Sadaf Farooqi

Pamper Your Daughter, Clip Her Wings

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Her frilly dress flaps in the wind as she goes running to her parents as soon as she feels the prick of a thorn; the pinch of gravel; the sting of an insect. They drop what they are doing to pick her up in their arms, lavish her with attention, and console her with kisses and soothing words, as her siblings compassionately crowd around her in sympathetic silence, waiting patiently for her sobs to wane, her tears to dry and her pout to turn into a smile. When that happens, this family’s little world, which came to a standstill with this little girl’s first cry, starts to revolve again…

When that first baby girl comes into this world, she wins the heart of her family as soon as they set eyes on her.

Treated like the delicate, precious, sensitive little being that she is, she is cooed and cuddled; gifted ornaments of gold and adorned with trinkets; her form is dressed up in swathes of satin and silk; her hair is tied with colorful barrettes and clips; her hands and feet are decorated with henna; her couture meticulously hand-embellished with ribbons, tulle and lace. Behold! – a perpetual source of beauty, joy, chatter, and merriment is born!

The little girl might grow older in age as the years pass, but if she is pampered indulgently by her family throughout her childhood (especially if she is the only girl), with her every whim catered to and all her desires fulfilled by doting relatives, more often that not she will find it tough to ever really grow up.

While it is common and fairly normal to witness the above, fictional scenario for a girl who is a minor up to her turning into a teenager, it seems a tad inappropriate when it involves married girls and women who are well into their twenties, thirties or even forties; when they behave in exactly the same manner as the little girl above who hurt her little finger and promptly went crying about it to her biological family.

First things first – why are we talking only about daughters?

For one thing, I have already blogged in the past about how parents, especially mothers in our local culture, spoil their sons’ habits while the latter are still very young. In that post, I shared my observations about how this kind of upbringing eventually impacts the son’s personality and lifestyle negatively when he becomes an adult, a husband, and the head of his own family.

Secondly, I will be honest. I am a now-reformed, former “pampered daughter” myself. I was raised with so much love, exclusive privileges and indulgent care that I did not even realize how blessed I was in the special VIP treatment I received, until I grew older and witnessed how many of my school and/or college girlfriends, especially those with many sisters, were treated by their parents and families.

Upon entering my twenties, I firsthand saw some of my girlfriends forced by their parents into marriage with a particular person they had chosen for her. When I expressed shock and disgust, a few of my other friends taunted me, “Unlike us, you are very spoiled and pampered. Not every girl gets whatever she wants the way you do!”

Thirdly, and this is the most important reason why I have decided to blog about this topic, is that in Islam, there exists a disparity in the excellence or superiority of parents’ rights upon a married offspring, depending on the gender of the latter. For a married man, his parents continue to enjoy the position of superior rights upon him just as they did when he was single. For a married woman, however, her husband replaces her parents as being the one who has the greatest rights upon her. Yes, his rights upon her are greater than even those of her biological mother!

Further, according to Islam, a husband possesses the right and authority to limit his wife’s contact with, and the number, frequency, and length of her visits to, her parents’ house. Of course, most husbands do not misuse or practice this authority today without due reason, but that’s besides the point here.

I must admit that when I was single, when I gained knowledge about this disparity of the greatness of parents’ Islamic rights upon their married offspring on the basis of gender, I questioned the wisdom or fairness behind it; today, I seek Allah’s forgiveness for my past naivete and ignorance.

Years of experience in my own marriage and also the observation of how pampered daughters persistently fail to adjust easily to, flourish, grow and prosper in their marital homes, even after they have been married for years – made me slowly understand the wisdom behind Islam’s Divine rulings and laws pertaining to a husband’s superior rights over his wife as compared to her parents.

In this post, I intend to share those observations, insha’Allah. But first….

The common traits of a typical pampered married daughter:

  1. She is a perpetual whiner: she complains, cribs, cries and whines to her parents about everything that she thinks is wrong with her life, even if she is 35 or 40 years old.
  2. She is rather self-absorbed, and her need for attention borders a bit on narcissism. E.g. if any of her siblings forget her birthday, or otherwise undermine her importance in even the teeniest way (in her eyes), e.g. when one of them forgets to call her up when she expects them to, or gets delayed in rushing to visit her as soon as she arrives in town, she promptly launches into an indignant rant, proceeding to pour complains about this trivial issue in front of her parents, until they are successfully manipulated into bringing the perpetrator to task for doing this to her.
  3. She doesn’t have a good relationship with any of her in-laws. She cannot bring herself to say even one positive thing about them, no matter how many qualities they might possess. Many people have heard the details of, or have a pretty good inkling about, how supposedly unjust they were to her in the beginning of her marriage. After all, they didn’t even let her choose the color and design of her own bridal dress….how rude and absolutely heartless of them! Eh?
  4. She has a compulsive need to call up her parents, or the landline number at her parents’ house, every day of her life. Alternatively, she might be online on Skype 24 hours a day to be available to talk to her parents at all times. (Please note: this point does not apply to married daughters who are still within the first 2-3 years of their marriage, are going through marital troubles, or are living a somewhat isolated/lonely life in a foreign country where they have no friends yet).
  5. When asked who “her family” comprises of, she will mention her parents and siblings first, then her husband and children.
  6. She misses her biological family direly, even if she has a nice husband, a marriage with no major problems/troubles, a fairly easy and comfortable lifestyle, a few children of her own, and over ten years have passed since her marriage.
  7. Whenever she is worried or anxious, or faces a problem in life, she seeks and gives top priority to her parents’ advice and counsel, instead of her husband’s or in-laws’. She respects and values their opinion more than her husband’s in almost all matters, even if she outwardly obeys him and doesn’t do anything without his consent.
  8. She is always planning and anxiously awaiting her next official visit to her parents’ house (if she lives in another city or country). If she lives in the same city, she is over at their house every day, or every other day.
  9. Besides these “official” visits, she looks for chances to run off to live at her parents’ home for a few weeks or months on the slightest pretext, depending upon the situation e.g. if she is expecting a (third or fourth) baby, has even slight health troubles, or if her husband is traveling abroad for business or work.
  10. She possesses a strong sense of entitlement upon the time, attention and resources of everyone in her parents’ house — simply because she still considers it her own home, even if she has been married for a decade. So for example, when she visits her parents home for a few days, she will take over their cell phone and also start answering the phone landline at their house; become the main person operating/holding the television remote control; she’ll be the one deciding what social/domestic activities will happen on a day-to-day basis, since, as I said, the indulgent parents do whatever she says, out of years of habit. The household’s daily menu will be changed according to her liking (rather, only that which she or her children like will be cooked), the household car/driver will no longer be available to others if she wants to use it for her own errands (primarily her shopping/parlor/healthcare needs), and everyone’s social schedule will have to adjust to her demands and preferences. This even applies if she has married brothers living in her parents’ house. Ask any “bhabi” (brother’s wife) what happens when her pampered, “Daddy’s Girl”, married sister-in-law comes for a visit. She will probably tell you that the household seems to get affected as if by a whirlwind – the parents’-in-law attention is diverted totally to their daughter; the brothers cannot go anywhere or do anything socially of their own free will (this can include even spending private time with their wives after coming home from work) unless Miss High Maintenance gives her unofficial approval first. Woe betide the bhabi who utters a peep of complaint throughout her sister’s-in-law stay, because she will promptly be criticized behind her back when the visiting princess ‘nightingale’ sings about it to her parents.
  11. Her parents, especially her mother, know each and every detail of her life, especially every nitty-gritty event in history involving her husband and in-laws, because she reveals all to them without the slightest reservation. She also talks in length about her daily routine to them, from what she bought last when she went shopping, to what she has cooked on any particular day, to what she plans to do tomorrow.
  12. In some extreme cases, her mother (and/or sisters) might even be aware of her intimate sexual idiosyncrasies with her husband, and all the little details of  every fight she has ever had with him. This is typically sad of course, because it is an action in total violation of the verse in the Quran that describes “صَالِح” Muslim women as those who protect in their husband’s absence what Allah would have them guard, namely, his honor and his wealth. Also, Allah has called Muslims spouses each other’s “لباس” or garment – and we all know that the primary purpose of a garment is to cover the body in front of others.
  13. Her opinion is sought and given prime importance by her parents in all matters – big or small, even intimate ones related to her siblings, even if these siblings are independent, married and well-settled in their own homes.
  14. She thus holds a permanent, irrevocable “senior advisory” position in her parents’ household viz. even if they have one or more servile, loyal and obedient daughters-in-law living with them in peace and harmony since many years. The opinion or advice of the latter holds little, if any, importance in front of that of their daughter.
  15. Through her parents, she knows all the inner details and deliberately hushed-up secrets of her brothers’ and sisters’ marital and/or personal lives, from their individual family issues, to any disputes, health problems, planned career moves or discreet financial matters.
  16. No family event or celebration can ever exclude the pampered married daughter. Every occasion and event is meticulously planned in such a way that she is able to attend, with her kids in tow of course. This is especially true if she lives in another city or country.
  17. Last, but not the least, the pampered married daughter’s husband can never be good enough for her in her parents’ eyes. He has too many warts – from his permanently deplete resources that can never match her spending habits, to his “irritating” habit of being too courteous and polite, to the way he sits, stands, walks, talks, coughs or laughs. What a buffoon! “Why did we ever let him marry her?! What were we thinking?”

What’s wrong with indulging in a married daughter like this? Why can’t she love her biological parents more than her husband?

There is nothing wrong with being close to one’s biological family even after your spouse comes into the picture. In fact, it is the ideal, most coveted scenario.

Lucky and enormously fortunate indeed is the family that welcomes a son-in-law with open arms and in return, receives honest, sincere love and respect. Only in such cases, where there are no innate prejudices, hidden suspicions, insincere intentions to deceive, or carefully disguised distrust, envy or resentment, can such a family maintain healthy mutual bonds and flourish with reciprocated love and respect over the years.

In such an ideal scenario, the married daughter’s parents actually feel like they have obtained, through the sacred bond of their daughter’s nikah, another righteous and obedient son, whereas the son-in-law feels fortunate to have obtained a loving, welcoming extended family that gives him – in some cases – even more respect and love than his own biological family ever did.

When things go wrong..

Forget my opinions and observations. Let us just look at the laws that Allah has laid down in Islam — the perfect system of justice that we as Muslims all submit to, and acknowledge to be the best.

I would again bring your attention to the fact that Allah has granted a husband the right to limit his wife’s contact with, and visits to, her parents (and even other people, such as her relatives and friends) – whereas the vice versa is not the case i.e. a wife doesn’t have the right to limit the amount of interaction her husband has with his family or others.

Why is this? Is it not apparently “unfair”?

There are a few factors to consider when trying to decipher the answer:

  1. Husbands are usually away from their wife and children during the day, busy earning a living.
  2. They trust their wives in their absence, with their home, household belongings, money, children and most importantly, their honor.
  3. Wives have more chances to interact socially with people during this time, especially in the current technologically advanced age whence cell phones, Facebook and Skype have made it possible to instantly talk to/communicate with anyone across the globe.
  4. Women by nature tend to be more talkative, emotional and socially active than men (oh, please don’t fire me for making gender-based generalizations; you know its true!). In other words, they tend to actively maintain familial bonds and like to have someone to talk to where ever they are, especially if they are homemakers who do not have a busy corporate lifestyle. This makes them prone to meet people more often, and – if their guard is not up – to fall prey to the veiled shenanigans of insincere people. Some such people are usually out just looking to kill time, and eagerly hop onto even a hint of a scandal; any fresh piece of gossip; something juicy to pass on to others over their next coffee/tea. Enter a gullible young wife who can be made to gab openly about her life after just a few prying questions (especially if the questioner is an older, trouble-making, scandal-seeking woman a.k.a nosy “aunty” disguised as a sincere well-wisher) and lo! While the wife’s guard is down, out pour details of her marital life that will keep the grapevine of her extended biological family, neighbors, so-called “friends”, or even her extended in-laws abuzz for the next few weeks! I have written more about this in an article here.
  5. Back to scripture — our avowed enemy, Shaitan, considers his prime target to the be the husband-wife relationship, especially where both husband and wife are righteous, and eager to not just act upon and propagate the Deen of Islam, but to also raise little Muslims upon a solid foundation of the Quran and sunnah. Such Muslim couples are his prime target, and since they are more difficult to make slip using the trivial methods that work easily on average Muslims, as they are ardent worshippers and/or possessors of Islamic knowledge, he uses stronger but extremely subtle, discreet and well-disguised tactics on them to try and break them apart and make them hateful to each other.

In order to protect the husband-wife relationship from being adversely affected by trouble-makers in society, Allah has granted the husband the authority to limit his wife’s contact with people whom he thinks will fill his wife’s ears with petty things that could turn her against him – even if they are his or her own parents and close relatives.

Now, coming back to Ms. Pampered who has her heart and mind still stuck in her parents’ home, even years or a decade after her marriage.

First of all, I would like to clarify here that this category excludes new brides, because in the initial 2-3 years of marriage, girls take time to adjust to their new life: a husband, in-laws, living independently perhaps for the first time, managing a household, learning how to cook, having and rearing a baby, and then learning how to manage all of these new roles together.

To top it off, if they move to a new location as a part of their marital transition, it makes it more difficult for them to adjust quickly, with loneliness and homesickness bearing them down often. In this initial phase, thus, it is normal for a young wife to continue to be close to, visit often, talk daily to, and seek emotional support from, her parents and other biological family.

However, the red flags should be seen by everyone, not the least by her own parents, when this scenario continues well beyond that initial adjustment phase; so that a married daughter never really plants her feet firmly in her marital home – ever.

In order to try to find solutions instead of just pointing out the problem, let’s see how we can help the lady who has hopefully realized by reading this post up till here that she is also a pampered daughter, or that she might behave like this in the future after years of her marriage.

Some advice for Ms. High Maintenance:

  1. Please grow up.
  2. Please grow up.
  3. Once again – please, grow up some more…. 🙂
  4. You’re not that important. Really.
  5. On a more serious note, though…..You really need to get over yourself and stop blowing your problems, issues, needs and wants out of proportion.
    There are hundreds of thousands of people in this world who are more unfortunate than you, such as the homeless, starving, fatally sick, and suicidally depressed; try doing something for them for a change, instead of ranting about how that dress you gave to the tailor (one of the multitudes you get stitched every time a seasonal sale hits the stands) didn’t turn out right at the hem, or about how your sister-in-law callously overlooked your omnipresent importance and invited you at the very last minute to her dinner party.
  6. Stop over-rating your achievements and those of your kids (such as that “amazing” biryani or cake you made last weekend). Praise for achievements sounds best when it comes from others, unprompted, behind the achiever’s back, instead of when it pours from someone’s own mouth, or when it is plastered on their face by their own doting parents and siblings.
  7. Try to bite your lip whenever you want to tell someone at your parents’ house what to do and how to do it.
    You’re a mature woman and you’ve been married many years; perhaps now, your position at your parents’ house has changed a bit, and is no longer that of warden and/or superintendent, like it was years ago, much less that of the baby princess in diapers screaming from her cot because no one has picked her up for a cuddle in 15 minutes!
    So, for example, if your mother or brother’s wife likes to make a certain family dish or curry with her own choice of spices now, do stop yourself before launching into a long monologue about how you still make it the old (and so, of course, the best) way. Even the wisest words become undermined to the level of just “noise”, akin to an irritating drone, if they are not welcome, requested, or worse, forced into the listeners’ ears non-stop.
  8. Don’t sing to the ‘wardens’ when you visit.
    Please don’t talk to your parents about the mistakes, wrongs, shortcomings or past misdeeds committed by your in-laws, brothers’ wives, other sisters, cousins, friends or relatives. In other words, please stop starting a fire where there isn’t one. A positive trait possessed by mature, grownup people is that they get over past negative experiences and move on. Nameemah is one of the kaba’ir (major sins) in Islam (fundo-haters, please ignore this fatwa – you might have realized that if you dislike references to Islam or to its fatawa, this whole blog of mine probably won’t appeal to you any way). Nameemah (نميمة) is an Arabic word, a form of which also occurs in the Quran, that is used to describe the action of gossiping; of intentionally or unintentionally saying things that might cause rifts between people who are getting along perfectly fine otherwise. So, if your nephew or niece is being fed packaged cereal, try not to criticize your brother’s wife or your sister to your parents for doing this, especially if you – always being the better one, eh? – go through the pains of boiling and mashing fresh, organic rice, lentils and meat into a smooth paste for your baby, every single day.
  9. Stop dialing at the drop of a hat! 
    It really isn’t necessary to call up your parents every day, or even twice/thrice a day, for that matter. Why call them up if you just spoke to them 12 hours ago, and if you know that they are fine? Because you are bored? Feeling lonely and homesick? Read the point below:
  10. Get a life Find yourself something constructive and productive to do to occupy your spare time, especially work that will benefit others/give back to your local community. Do you know what your goal is in life? Do you even have one? Tap into your hidden talents – stitching, baking, teaching, tutoring, crochet, cooking, babysitting, writing, painting, interior decor, whatever! – and keep yourself busy with it. Get out of your self-imposed bubble; the stuck-in-a-rut time-warp in which you have imprisoned yourself (as if you are still a teen living at your parents’ home) and look outside at the world; at what’s happening globally; and at what you can do to make even one other person’s day or state better. Try to volunteer even one day of the week at any organization or cause that will make you leave your house and interact with, and learn from, other people who are doing positive work for others. This will make you realize that there is more to life than your own home, family and its little problems. Best of all, you will realize how trivial your own problems are, as compared to the magnanimous ones faced by others. And for Allah’s sake, unless you are based in Saudi Arabia, its high time you got yourself a driver’s license and started DRIVING!
  11. Read, read, read!
    Gone are the days when reading was possible only if there was a physical book, newspaper or magazine clasped in your hands. Now, you can read all day via the computer and internet and still be left feeling like you’ve withdrawn but a drop from the ocean of informative and beneficial knowledge that lies at your fingertips through the digital screen. In fact, most mothers’ and homemakers’ problems are now instantly solvable because of the oodles of how-to and self-help websites and blogs online (and if you still don’t know what a “blog” is – umm, I must reiterate that you really need to act upon this point and start reading!). Even if you want to try making mirchon ka salan for the first time, you don’t have to call up your mother and make her recall the recipe; just Google it! Watch a 5-8 minute recipe video and you’re on! So please stop whining about being bored or lonely, or having nothing to do, and get your hands on some good books and/or magazines. Enroll in a course, even if its class is once-a-week. Join a fitness club and start working out. Just do something with your life; stop hanging on to your parents’ finger!
  12. Try to solve your marital home’s day-to-day problems yourself, with your husband’s support.
    Your parents don’t really need to be told how troubled you are by that leaking faucet in your bath, your baby’s nasty diaper rash, your running nose, the car’s dead battery, the all-night drinking fest held by your noisy neighbors last night, or your sleeplessness as a result of the long power outage. Grow up and stop whining!
  13. Don’t undermine your parents’ daughters-in-law/your brothers’ wives – 
    Right now, you might be enjoying the temporarily more powerful position in your parents’ home when you visit. Your brothers’ wives probably refrain from complaining about your demands on the whole household, and instead silently acquiesce to all your needs – maybe even go out of their way to serve you during your visits. However, rest assured that this will not last for long! As the natural cycle of life progresses, your parents will eventually age, and authority will transfer to the next generation. The doting parents who run around for you, picking up after you and rushing to wipe your tears, will eventually not be able to do that any more. And your brothers’ wives will become stronger in say and authority in their household, as their children grow older and their years of experience and silent sacrifice pay off. So accept them as permanent members of your family (don’t hush up or hurriedly change the subject as soon as they enter the room, as if they are too dumb to understand that you’re hiding your personal issues from them), embrace their presence in the house, overlook and ignore their shortcomings, and for Allah’s sake, stop complaining about the time, money and attention your brothers give to them! It makes you sound very insecure. Also, perhaps you should avoid overstaying your welcome and keep your visits short, so that none of them ever “dreads” your arrival in the future, especially if your children are not very well-behaved and tend to follow in their mother’s footsteps in treating their maternal grandparents’ home like a playground, in which they can do whatever they want and always get away with it!

As an only daughter who used to do most of the things detailed above in this post for the first few years of her marriage; one who has by now (thankfully) gradually and deliberately cut off the “apron strings” that tied her like a coddled baby to her parents’ loving embrace, I am watching history repeat itself. How, you might ask?

Currently, I am beginning to witness the negative results of pampering an only daughter within my own home. If you might remember, I am the mother of a daughter as well!

Yes, up till now, my daughter is not just an only girl, but also the firstborn in our family. She rules over our hearts, but more so her father’s than anyone else’s. I see how her wails, tantrums and demands get exaggerated and extended when she is in his presence, and how he immediately succumbs to them.

So, with a somewhat wary, sinking heart that beats only in a sincere mother’s chest, I worry whether she will become the drama queen that I once was (or like a few other grownup, pampered daughters whose endless nakhra’s (airs) and demands I have witnessed firsthand in my family). I mean, right now, its a certain accessory that she asks her father to buy her, to which he immediately relents by not just dishing out the dough but by also going out to get it for her even if it is inconvenient for him.

But what if this continues up until she is 25? Will her demands for an expensive designer dress be met the same way? Will we also become like those parents who say clearly to whoever proposes to their daughter, “Everything in the wedding must happen according to [our daughter’s] wishes/desires. She is the apple of our eye.” Will her husband also never be good enough for her in our eyes?

Its all about achieving a balance; a moderate path that will please Allah, insha’Allah. I know that in this world, many a daughters’ birth is met with dismay and grief; many little girls are treated like financial burdens and extra baggage to be shrugged or bartered off to the first bidder at the first opportunity.

Many girls are therefore treated like servants in their parents’ homes, to be used for the service (“khidmat“) of the males in the family until they are married off.

Nowadays, many young, single women are forced or coerced by their parents to work at jobs they dislike, where they mingle with men and face regular sexual harassment, because the parents want them to bring in an income i.e. essentially “pay for themselves” until they are residing in their home.

I’m not a big fan of the cultural philosophy many local people believe in and propagate, viz.: “You are a temporary guest in this house; your real home will be the one you go to after marriage”, no matter how well-intended it might sound. I also detest the adage: “You are leaving your parents’ house in this “doli” [bridal carrier]; now only your janazah (burial shroud) must leave your husband’s home“.

Oh please! Gimme a break!

However, as I said, a critical balance has to be achieved.

Girls should not be pampered with excessive luxuries and privileges, nor given such “high and mighty” treatment, that they eventually fail to stand up on their own feet and cannot adjust to their husband’s home over time, after the initial adjustment period. They should also not be treated like servants or financial burdens, or made to feel inferior to their brothers just because they will one day go off to another home, or simply because they are female.

So instead of spinning useless, fantastical fairy tales about riding off into the horizon with a prince charming who will eventually marry them, little girls need to be trained to brave the challenges and hardships of adult life – whether that is married life or that of being single.

They need to be taught to fend for themselves, to always turn to Allah for help, and to get by without relying on Daddy’s wallet or Mommy’s shoulder. They should be trained to face life’s mundane and minuscule problems and mishaps with gusto and not take themselves too seriously – unless, of course, they really are facing major issues, such as domestic violence, severe health trouble, or oppression.

Just as that fledgling that has its ‘wings clipped’ by being over-protected and indulged, will never be able to fly – even as a fully grown bird – so too will the talented young girl who is too pampered, waste herself once she is “pushed out” from her parents’ “nest”.

She will not be able to cut off her emotional strings, and thus not find her hidden strengths; not learn any new skills, nor master any new domains.

Hence, she might never soar to new heights, never feel the wind beneath her wings, never conquer new dominions — simply because she kept looking back at the safe haven she left behind, and was, consequently, too afraid that she would fall and hurt herself.

67 comments

  1. Reading your post made me feel like I am looking into a mirror and seeing myself properly after quite a long time! (no exaggeration!)
    Eventhough I am single but I am the eldest child and an only daughter…..I feel as if this post was written for me…
    Growing up is not easy and a concious effort “has” to be made to become emotionally independent. Whether it’s a friend whose certain habits irritate us or some interaction with a sibling that left us hurt- it is really important to be able to handle these issues ourselves and not rush to our loving parents for “each” and “every” thing!
    Insha Allah I will make efforts to stop thinking myself as important and deal with such problems in a better way (and anyway saying out your minor problems to others magnify them much more than they are in reality!) This step is very important even for the teenagers because if they become habitual of it then they will be able to carry it out in their future as well and much more easily than a person who realized this much later in life.
    Jazakillah Khair for your mind-opening writing! 🙂

    Reply

  2. JazakAllah Khair…this is really an mind opening article…something which we don’t consider in our day to day life ..And definitely such attitude of married ladies usually create problems in their married life..I am newly married and have learnt a lot of things from ur article at right time!! Once again jazakAllah Khair 🙂

    Reply

  3. We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between a man who flatters her and a man who compliments her… a man who spends money on her and a man who invests in her…a man who views her as property and a man who views her properly… a man who lusts after her and a man who loves her… a man who believes he is God’s gift to women and a man who remembers a woman was God’s gift to man

    Reply

  4. As Salamu Alaikum wa Rehmatulahi wa Barakatuhu

    JazakAllahu Khairan Katheera for this excellent post, alot to learn aand apply as it comes at a very right time for me.

    Reply

  5. Assalam u alaikum

    As always , another excellent post. U have explained the hard and bitter facts really well. I have seen many cases like u have mentioned. Trying to introspect myself too.

    JazkAllah khair

    Wassalam

    Umm subhana

    Reply

  6. Assalam o alaikum!!!

    wonderful!!!! esp the “grow up” part, it reminds me of my parents who are continuously asking me to grow up.. 😀

    It is really informative and thought provoking..JazakAllahu Khaira for such a superb piece of writing..

    I agree that being the only daughter(in addition to it, being the first born) one is pampered a lot!!!!

    Reply

    • وعليكم السلام
      Oh yes, that is what I have also noticed about “only” daughters – particularly in the mirror. 🙂 Although, of course, there are exceptions out there too.

      Reply

  7. Assalamoalykum wr wb

    apart from saying the obvious i.e your article is brilliant,educating,enlightening as well as self criticising mashaALLAH,… 🙂 i have to ask you if you are the daughter of shahnwaz farooqi by any chance? please reply….

    Reply

  8. Seriously, it seems like you have some resentment against a sister in law and you want to talk about it. Which is fine, since this is your blog. Just know that your perception of the “married girl” is ridiculously one sided. Girls tend to worry a lot more about their parent’s health and maintenence. It is more than okay for them to call and satisfy themselves of their parent’s well being. A mother and daughter have a special bond. Sometimes a mother is a much needed therapist for a daughter to get over a rude comment. That is not narcism, it is in fact a process called “venting”. A process for which a therapist would charge a $100 or more per session, the mother provides for free. Other times, talking and re-talking to the mother filters out some of the negative emotional content out of a situation which can otherwise be harmful for the daughter’s married life. Mothers should definitely not have an executive decission on anything in a married daughter’s life. But their advice, their sane presence in a daughter’s life is vital for the daughter’s well being. A daughter’s presence “at every event” at their parent’s house is a right, as long as all the needs at her own house are met in the best possible way. It seems funny that a relationship that we struggle to preserve in the west is being condemned without much thought.

    Reply

    • And it seems to me that a lot of points in this post really “hit home” for you, Sara. 🙂

      This blog post is based on my own past experiences as a married daughter, what I have learned from them, and then on my observations of others.

      Also, these “therapy” sessions with mothers that you mentioned (talking and re-talking about the same “issues”) more often than not turn into full-blown, cannibalistic sessions of malicious “gheebah” that eat away at both their good deeds. I think a daughter who “vents” again and again about her marital issues to her mother seriously needs to grow up. A rude comment? Is that really something so huge that she needs to talk to her mother about to get it out of her system?

      A daughter’s presence “at every event” at their parent’s house is a right

      Speaking as an only daughter whose parents’ house is only a 15-minute car-drive away, I strongly disagree with you. It is not my right. And I really need to get a life if I think I have to be invited or present at every social event they have at their house. Just FYI, my parents and brother have had a few dinners and parties at their home to which I was not even invited, because my presence was not necessary and, secondly, also because they knew very well that I wouldn’t whine like a baby if I wasn’t included/invited.

      I pray that your relationship with your parents and husband stays safe from the entrapments of Shaitaan.

      Reply

      • “This blog post is based on my own past experiences as a married daughter, what I have learned from them, and then on my observations of others.”

        As salam alaikum,

        I read your blog pretty regularly and I think this statement pretty much sums up your opinion gaining ground. Although quite true many times you have to understand and more importantly ACCEPT that there are people, and in my opinion quite a few, who despite coming under your explicit categorication yet are quite different. And I say this with respect to almost all your takes on society (not religion of course; mashAllah they are great). Let me mention a few – your division of spending habits of people, ur ideas on the trials and struggles of people who move to the West and of course the famous A n B classes of guys.

        You see I fall into both the categories of one who’s moved to the West and also the horrible-pampered-daughter-who-needs-to-grow-up-badly (at least according to you,I do not mean this in a bad way please).

        But Alhamdulillah my experiences have been quite different and I must say positive.

        We will talk another day about me moving to the West although I must mention Allah Swt has made me appreciate all His bounties even more after coming here and I really thank Him for giving me this wonderful opportunity of self improvement which many, many, many girls of my class back home (India) do not have coz of multitude of servants, drivers and time consuming and gossiping relatives and functions. Its beautiful to sit down in my backyard here in England with a volume of Quran tafsir and commentary and silently contemplate. In my opinion nothing beats it. However, I am going off-track here.

        Ah yes, I am signed into skype most of the day, I cant go a day without talking to my parents, I need to hear their voices, I do plan a lot when I am going to see them again even though I have just come back last week from India. Yes,they wouldnt host a big function without me,and yes my opinion is given utmost importance. And yet Alhamdulillah, der never has been any issue with d “servile” daughters in law simply coz I NEVER ever lord it over her. In fact I go out of my way to help her and I actually arrange a lot of fun get togethers so that SHE can have fun so much so that my family actually looks forward to my visits.

        Neither do I get along badly with my in-laws, nor do my parents consider my husband not-good-enuff, (they adore him), my sis-in-law doesnt comment on my baby bathing tactics and I alhamdulillah always ensure she has regular psychological Oxygen simply coz Allah has made her responsible for my brother and her kids not her so-called sasural and we have to ensure her dignity as a person. (She’s come for her husband; not for me or my parents).

        I wud also like to say that although my husband is one of the world’s best husbands alhamdulillah he’s not of the serious Islamic intellectual type and neither is my “sasural”. Unfortunately my in-laws take even Salah pretty lightly which kills me. If I were not to talk with my dear father and indulge in Islamic talks with him,I know my soul wud die. In fact I wud die. And I’d rather be a Islamically alive-desperate to talk to my parents for that drop of deen from family kinda pampered daughter than a soul-dead my-sasural-n-my-husband-r-my-first priority types. You might ask, dont u have any Islamic circle-I do. But simply I need this as well.

        And I dont bore my mother with details of our stupid fights. She’s seen far too much life to be riveted with that.

        I do agree that there r such nuisance daughters that you have portrayed but not everyone strictly falls into this rigid category.

        Reply

  9. وعليكم السلام Fatima,

    Thank you for your comment.

    I’d like to point out that I did not use the 2 words “horrible” and “nuisance” to describe the “pampered” daughter who is the intended recipient of my advice in this post. You used these words; not I.

    Secondly, I truly appreciate your pointing out that “many times you have to understand and more importantly ACCEPT that there are people, and in my opinion quite a few, who despite coming under your explicit categorication yet are quite different.”

    Yes I do accept that. My blogging reflects only my opinions, and is based on an effort to share with my readers what I have learnt in life. I admit that tons of people will be exempt, no doubt, from my classifications, because the observations on this blog are restricted to those experienced by just one person in this world – me – a mere drop in the ocean. 🙂

    Many married women, for example, will not be like the “pampered” daughter I have described in this post, (and alhamdulillah for that). However, does that mean that I should not advise the few that are, in all sincerity, based on the damage I have personally seen their behavior wreak, and based on my worries about how I am raising my own daughter?

    I think a Muslim may live where ever they choose on earth. My opinion about life for Muslims in the West reflects just my point of view.

    I still have no regrets about giving up my Canadian immigrant/permanent resident status 7 years ago, despite what is happening in Pakistan since then; nor do I think that Pakistan or many of the Muslim-majority countries in the East are “Islamic” states, so to speak. I also readily acknowledge that many, countless Muslims who live in the West are more practicing/religiously active/humble/righteous/knowledgeable in Deen than those who dwell in Muslim-majority areas, masha’Allah.

    My only request to Muslims who have emigrated to the West – for whatever reasons – (not those who were born there and grew up there – since the latter did not choose where they were born) is to appreciate and point out the pro’s of life in the Muslim-majority countries – warts and all – that they left behind, just like they point out the pro’s of life in the Western country they chose to emigrate to. It is that simple.

    For example, when you pointed out your wonderful experience of contemplating in your backyard, in the same breath, you pointed out something negative about the habits of the people in your family who dwell here in the East, who do not enjoy that same experience.

    I have noticed this about many immigrants who move abroad from Pakistan (again, this is an observation restricted to those in my circle/my life). They will launch into long critiques of life in Pakistan (the life they left behind), and completely stop mentioning even those things/activities that they loved doing here before they moved, yet mention everything about their new life abroad in a positive light, even the trying/challenging aspects.

    E.g. If they hate shoveling snow, yet do it out of necessity every year, they will say, “It gives me a great chance to stay fit”. If they have no friends and no social life, they will say, “I love my privacy and the lack of stress that comes from attending social events and mingling with nosy relatives that is so common in Pakistan”; and if they have to do each and every domestic chore themselves, from fixing the faulty plumbing to mowing the lawn to painting their walls (since cheap labor that is a blessing in Pakistan is non-existent abroad), they will say, “I have learnt to do everything myself now – life here gives me a chance for learning new skills”.

    All of this positive thinking is great, except that it would reflect a more broadminded view if they applied the same positive thinking to the life in the mainly-Muslim-majority East. E.g. perhaps they should readily point out the better taste of the one-of-a-kind, succulent fresh fruit in the East that they sorely miss eating in the West (especially the mangoes); the homemaking facilities and luxuries afforded by cheap, honest/sincere domestic staff/help in the East; the complete lack of fear of being marginalized as a Muslim when stepping outside the home; the culinary delights such as chaat, tikka, and biryani that are available at every corner; the wonderful sound of the glorious adhaan (call to prayer) that blares from multiple loudspeakers 5 times a day and serves to be a rejuvenating reminder of Allah’s greatness etc.

    Once again, jazakillahu khair for your polite and respectful comment. I truly appreciate it, sister. 🙂

    Reply

    • Assalamoalykum wr wb

      sister sadaf you are a very good spoke person for me. i feel the same way about people not having +ve attitude towards their country,culture,outfit and even religion in some cases. they lack self confidance . under the guise of being thakful of their circumstances and life in the west they are saying how unfortunate the people in the muslim countries are. and this reminds me of a hadees ,where it is said that in dajjalic times the apparent heaven will really be a hell and the apparent hell will really be a heaven. western world and life is seen and perceived as a heaven by most people these days.

      i am so glad to know you have given up your canadian status mashaALLAH, i wish to do the same soon inshaALLAH please make duaa for my hijrah from UK too. husband needed convincing and alhumdulilha we are getting there slowly.

      back to your reply to sister fatima, when i came to this part of your reply my eyes were welling up:

      ”All of this positive thinking is great, except that it would reflect a more broadminded view if they applied the same positive thinking to the life in the Muslim-populated East. E.g. acknowledge the one-of-a-kind tasting fresh fruit that they sorely miss (especially mangoes), the domestic luxuries afforded by honest/sincere domestic help, the complete lack of fear of being marginalized as a Muslim when stepping outside the home, the cheaply and readily available culinary delights such as chaat, tikka, biryani, the sound of the glorious adhaan (call to prayer) that blares from multiple loudspeakers 5 times a day as a reminder of Allah’s greatness etc.”

      Reply

    • As salam alaikum sister Sadaf,
      Jazak Allah for taking the time to reply.I’d like to thank you for pointing out exactly the things i miss.You see,they are the very things I miss:)..so u have quite a good idea..
      “All of this positive thinking is great, except that it would reflect a more broadminded view if they applied the same positive thinking to the life in the mainly-Muslim-majority East.”
      Certainly agree.Not just the gourmet and household help factor but in my experience I’d also like to mention the religion factor.I havent seen this trend much in UK but almost every American I meet is convinced the best brand of Islam is what and how they follow Islam and people back home are not religious at all!!In fact I feel they r very condescending which isnt a good thing at all.

      Reply

    • the wonderful sound of the glorious adhaan (call to prayer) that blares from multiple loudspeakers 5 times a day and serves to be a rejuvenating reminder of Allah’s greatness etc. ..Best part mashAllah

      Reply

  10. As salaamu alaykum sis Sadaf, this is such an insightful article!

    Please consider writing a book on parenting as many parents who don’t know enough about applying the deen in their parenting could benefit from your wisdom… you tell it like it is… and it needs to be told!

    Reply

    • وعليكم السلام
      I am quite surprised that someone actually thinks that I am worthy of giving parenting advice and that through by penning a book on it! 🙂
      Jazakillahu khair for your positive reinforcement. It gave me quite a morale boost.

      Reply

  11. I think mother-in-law (mothers of married girls) are more to blame here. It is natural for their daughter to call them and talk to them about her husband etc. She (the mother-in-law) must know not to involve herself. But it seems Pakistani mother-in-laws are built to interfere and meddle in their daughters’ lives. It almost comes to the point that I have to advise someone not to marry an only daughter as this will cause lots of headaches for the husband!

    Reply

    • I agree with you, brother. Reluctantly, but yes, I agree; because I have witnessed in many cases what you have pointed out: the wife’s mother actually points out trivial things to her naive, unsuspecting daughter about the latter’s married life, which plant seeds of ingratitude in that daughter’s heart and cause resentment towards her husband and his family to build up inside her.

      Of course, as always, exceptions are there…in which a wise, righteous mother guides her daughter to instead be grateful to her husband and stay put in his house by facing difficulties with patience, unless she’s going through something very serious.

      However, nowadays it seems that such mothers are not the norm, but rather, the exception.

      And Allah knows best.

      Reply

  12. Assalamwalaikum,

    This is the first time I am reading your blog and you make some interesting points, but most I disagree with based on my personal experiences. I am the youngest daughter and yes I was loved and pampered- not spoiled. Like any parent my parents wanted to love and comfort and provide me a good life. I got married in my early twenties and yes I had a hard time adjusting and still do. But it is my parents who help me overcome this and make the transition easy. When I don’t know who to turn to I call my mom who offers me advice based on what our deen says and what would be the right thing to do. Numerous times she has helped me see things in a different perspective, allowing me to open my eyes and diminish my temper.i was never given proper advice from my husband or in laws when I would approach them with issues I was facing. For you to say we shouldn’t call our parents isn’t sound advice especially when they are such important resources in our lives.

    Secondly, my parents have no family here expect there two children. If I weren’t to call them or go to their home or attend their functions who would? I cannot fathom how a daughter can let her parents feel alone just because she got married, especially if her parents are old and not well. My in laws and husband encourage me to visit and cal them because all they have is us.

    Your article seems full of anger towards daughters and quite biased. I am sorry that I can’t agree with you on the points you made. My parents love my husband and my parents home will always be like my own home. I do help out when I am there because I like helping out my sister in law and mom and they appreciate the help. Yes I do stay at my parents when my husband is away because that is what my in laws prefer since they see how much I miss my husband and think its a good diversion and excuse to spend that time with my family.

    I am sorry you had such bad experiences with daughters or sister in laws or whomever, but believe me we aren’t all like that and even if we do certain things you said there may be a logical and moral reason behind it.

    Reply

    • وعليكم السلام

      Thank you for sharing your viewpoint!

      “For you to say we shouldn’t call our parents isn’t sound advice especially when they are such important resources in our lives.”

      When did I say that? I said, “It really isn’t necessary to call up your parents every day, or even twice/thrice a day, for that matter. Why call them up if you just spoke to them 12 hours ago, and if you know that they are fine?”

      I just said that it is not necessary to call them up so often. Maybe the parents can call her one day, and the daughter can call them the next. If the daughter just exchanged a text message with her mother, for example, she can skip a phone call that day, knowing that all is well.

      People – whether they are older parents or young, married sons/daughters – who lead productive, busy lives, do not feel the compulsion to talk to their parents/offspring every few hours, just to talk without need, or to feign “concern”. And sometimes, this purported “concern” actually involves other things, namely:

      – Boredom/not being used to the absence of the company of the parent/offspring.
      – Reluctance to relinquish control of/say in/knowledge of, everything in the offspring’s life.
      – Emotional dependence, based on years of habit.
      – Insecurity: fear of “losing” the offspring’s loyalty to his/her spouse or in-laws

      If your saying that 2-3 phone calls to your parents per day are justified, then I am sure they are – for you as well as for other special cases/families, or for special circumstances, such as an illness, or a social event in the family that necessitates frequent conversation.

      However, we all know that before the advent of the Internet/cellular phone technology in the 1990’s, families survived very well without such frequent communication.

      Lastly, unless I am wrong, I think you are still in the first 2-3 years of your marriage, and I also guessed from your comment that you have no child yet. If that is the case, you are not the intended recipient of the criticism and advice in this post in the first place!

      Reply

  13. As salaam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

    I lived and looked after my grandmother till i said good bye and buried her, i looked after my mother till the final goodbye…i considered then to be a very lucky man to take care of them, i got married to a Pakistani girl and foundout her parents were the most important and i had a miserable married life as i was only trying to do everything for her parents while she was getting fat..one day i told her if you dont workout with me or run with me you will not be able to lead your life till our old age…she died within 6years of the marriage with a body weight of 187lbs..though several times i told her parents to tell her to lose weight, i was left with a son and became a mother and a father which is another story altogether.

    After abt 7 years of the trauma of my wifes death i remarried and the very next day of the marriage her mother phoned over the landline and asked her daughter “Are you happy” this wife of mine was totally influenced by her mother and family members…..here i want to let you into my lifestyle…since my childhood i taught and learned how to do things myself, so i cleaned the house, cooked-am an excellent healthy cook, did the masonary,plumbing,painting, driving, throwing parties for my wifes family, gardening, fumigating, saving water, working out at the gym, teaching aerobics to my wife – who did not do it on her parents “good advice-she will hurt her feet”.

    I lived like anyone would live in the west, but i did all this living here from a boy to a matured person when i got older, this second marriage ended in divorce for i realized, i couldnt force her to be my wife, we parted amicably and her son lives with her and also comes and lives with me, my elder son is now married.I gave up lots of worldly things to be closer to Allah and I became a homeopathic doctor, having been taught in the USA and the UK and am doing my Phd dissertation in homeopathic cancer pain management. I am proud to be a simple human being.

    The reason i write all this points in the direction of your pampered child-specially girl child, what i have found the mothers here dont themselves have a happy marriage and misguide their girl child thinking they are saving them from the man who would become their childs husband and they feel they are preparing them for that “life”.

    You will be surprised that at a dinner table in middle class houses the mother makes sure the son gets the chicken leg but the daughter gets the chicken curry because she knows that the daughter will leave the house and go to her husbands house and she will have to stay with her son. These are huge subjects that i have never seen anyone touching it and am somewhat relieved that you had the courage to write about this very important subject. I thank you for your lovely writing on the subject and hope it opens the eyes of these children who are either married or going to get married….DO GROW UP.

    Kind wishes to your family.

    Reply

    • وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

      Thank you for sharing your experiences. May Allah compensate you in both worlds for going through difficult times.

      what i have found the mothers here dont themselves have a happy marriage and misguide their girl child thinking they are saving them from the man who would become their childs husband and they feel they are preparing them for that “life”.

      So true!

      You will be surprised that at a dinner table in middle class houses the mother makes sure the son gets the chicken leg but the daughter gets the chicken curry because she knows that the daughter will leave the house and go to her husbands house and she will have to stay with her son.

      Again, yes, I have seen this happen! I concur that this actually happens in many households in Pakistan..

      I was hoping that brothers who are married to women who possess the characteristics that I have outlined in this post, would share their point of view with us via the comment section here, so that the predominantly female readership of this blog can benefit from the “other side of the story” and hopefully be able to see how their behavior impacts the husband and his family.

      Allah knows best.

      Reply

      • Asslamwalaikum Wa Rahmatallahi Wa Barakatuhu,

        First of all ALHAMDULILLAH HI RABBIL AALAMEEN in every condition ALLAH keeps me coz after all its a temporary life.

        I am really sorry to say but I am a guy with strong will power but I am an emotional guy. So do not blame if you all get bored to read my long comment.

        I loved the article. Dear sister SADAF May Allah bless especially you and all the Muslims around the world (my wife love the name SADAF coz it has a part of my and her name SAD/AF and we wanted to name our daughter as SADAF. But instead ALLAH blessed us with a SON recently, ALHAMDULILLAH)

        I am writing the “other side of the story” without a due and without reading further comments.

        I know the blog is 3 years old as I am commenting it in June 2014. But, the thing is that RIGHT NOW my life is going through an extremely bad phase coz of a Pampered Daughter and her Ignorant Parents.

        For all those who are commenting in a negative way, my comment may give a kind of added relief to your souls. I give full liberty to their thinking and comments and no one could be said completely wrong neither can they be boosted for their thinking because there is an underlying background of upbringing everyone has including Myself which dictates their comments. Plus some people may bring in the topic of type of son and his parents role, to them I say “That’s out of topic for this article my friends”.

        Dear sister Sadaf, I am kinda hijacking your your article now, Sorry for that.

        I like permutation and combinations.

        So, I would just give 4 cases coz there are 2 set of direct people involved for woman’s ideas about world 1) Daughter and 2) Her Parents.

        I can add 2 set of people more i.e. 3) Husband and 4) His Parents, but if we talk about that, then I would have to create my own blog and write 16 articles of my own. So, lets just talk about the 4 combinations which I have personally experienced in my life (well I am 28yrs old),

        1) Mature daughter and Mature Parents –
        I say it as the EXCELLENT CONDITION (ex: I am not bragging, but my mother and her parents)

        2) Mature daughter and Ignorant Parents –
        I say it as a GOOD CONDITION (ex: my uncle’s wife “chachi” and her parents, my grandma and her mother (i am excluding her father as he was a mature guy)).

        3) Pampered daughter and Mature Parents –
        I say it as OK CONDITION coz even though the parents are mature the ultimate torch barer in ever case is the daughter (ex: my other uncle’s wife “mami” and her parents, my mother in law and her parents (how I know parents of my mother in law, well coz my mother in law is elder sister of my mother))

        4) Pampered daughter and Ignorant Parents –
        I say it as WORST CONDITION (ex: my wife and her parents).

        So “other side of the story” goes like this,

        I am married to my cousin since 2012 (she is daughter of mothers elder sister who lives in other city). She is the last out of 6 children of her parents.She has 2 elder sisters and 3 elder brothers.

        Her immediately elder sister could not bare a child “may Allah bless her with a child”. But, because of that, my mother in law wanted my wife to get pregnant from the 1st day of her marriage (I call it as THE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE as my mother in law was worried that possibly her last daughter might ALSO not conceive a child “such a naive thought in such era of technology”), My mother in law’s thought are naive coz of her Ignorance.

        More over as sister Sadaf stated “The common traits of a typical pampered married daughter” my wife 200% qualifies for the title “pampered married daughter”.

        I again do not want to brag about myself, but Alhamdulillah my parents are very mature and they have ingrained me with some maturity too.

        She wanted a baby and Alhamdulillah she became pregnant.
        As soon as the test was positive and she came to know about her pregnancy she called her parents fought with my mom for all the pity things (of past one year when she did not conceive) for which my mom had given her advises/rebuked (like ignorance in house hold works and for use of excessive mobile for calling her parents and calling & chatting using Skype/and other apps with her sister, her sister’s children, her friends, her brothers even during their office hours (I accidentally got record hold of her chats and her “vents”)) .

        Her ignorant parents instead if rebuking their daughter, they blamed my mother for stopping her from Pampered behavior saying “if she wants to get up late, let her do that” “if she does not want to eat, let eat when she wants” “don’t ask her to do house hold errands, she is not used to it” “why do you limit her from using mobile, we want to talk to her at least once a day and ask her how she is” “Self Proclaiming: she is really PAMPERED WELL by us, we have brought her up in a very pampered environment”. And after pregnancy “why don’t you consult her to a big and famous doctor” (FYI: my mother was consulting her to our family doctor who had delivered almost every baby of my mothers family, as well as she was a gynac consultant of my grandma(she died in 1998) and my mother.

        Ultimately, they wanted me to leave my family and to join them with their daughter (as poor baby of theirs was pregnant). How silly is that, I literally begged her not to leave me and gave her all possibilities that can happen if she lives this way, I Gave her references of hadiths to make her stop, reminded the effect on baby and also like sister Sadaf stated,
        “However, rest assured that this will not last for long! As the natural cycle of life progresses, your parents will eventually age, and authority will transfer to the next generation. The doting parents who run around for you, picking up after you and rushing to wipe your tears, will eventually not be able to do that any more.”

        I told her that it would be not wise to leave me as I am the only person in the whole world who will love her the most, I also told her that her parents and brothers cannot take care and will not take care of her and the baby forever, but she replied to me that her parents and brothers love her too much and she has faith in them that they will take care of her all her life.

        I fulfilled the right of my wife, But, she deprived me of my rights and left with her parents with my unborn baby saying that she does not want to leave with me any more.

        It has been nine months, but we 2 never spoke ever after, till date.
        Now, Alhamdilillah I am blessed with a baby boy who I did not see except in a few photos which were sent to me by my and her uncles.
        I am still waiting for my wife to return and hope ALLAH Subhanahuwatala give her and her parents Hidaaya.

        Since the day she has left me, there is not one day/night when I have not though about this issue and slept early. it has affected my work and my life very badly and now I have hardly 5% of the concentration that I used to give to my work and life including to my parents. I am the eldest child of the home and the only one married. Plus, my mother blames herself till date and cries a lot for putting me into this situation by arranging my marriage with her sisters daughter (my mother just wanted to give my wife a good life as my wife’s parents life is not better than ours, be it Worldly life of Islamic life).

        I hope the above story shows “how their behavior impacts the husband and his family.”

        Sister Sadaf Jazaak Allah hu Khairan.

        All other readers, take it ease on the article, it may be just that you did not taste the bitterness of such relationship so Pray to ALLAH that such things never happen to anyone in world.

        I landed on to this article when I was searching “Rights of Parents on a Married Woman”.

        Reply

  15. Is this based on your personal experiences or just some kind of self-catharsis ? However we must never generalize observations.

    Reply

  16. I just love this article sister…. I was looking for something like this…. I’m a highly pampered pet girl of the family :o… Im soo looking for religious advise in balancing the two families. I truly have right intentions in achiving this balance.

    hmm I would like to get some more justification on why for a man the role of mother is important even after marriage…

    Im so sure there is so much logic behind it, I just need an explanation !

    Im so grateful to u for this article… Luv ya sis !!!!!!! Barakallahu feekum. !

    Reply

    • I am so pleased when self-professed “pet” daughters who read this post take the message behind it positively, despite its somewhat brusque tone.

      hmm I would like to get some more justification on why for a man the role of mother is important even after marriage…

      Allah knows best, but I think it has more to do with the fact that his wife is his subordinate in their marital relationship. He is the head of his family, so the person who has the most rights on him is still his mother, just as it was before marriage.

      Here, though, I would like to point out that greatness of his mother’s rights doesn’t imply that it is okay for him to not give his wife her rights. Just like the mother has more rights on her offspring than their father, but despite this, most people respect both their parents equally and do not discriminate in their good treatment, care and respect, similarly, a man should know that he can give both his mother as well as his wife, each, their due rights by striking a balance.

      Please see this and this (the latter half of the answer gives details of how even the greatness of a mother’s rights over her adult son does not justify her controlling him, mistreating him, or impugning his independence and privacy as a mature individual in-charge of his own life).

      Jazakillahu khair. 🙂

      Reply

  17. Oh thanks for the prompt reply Sadaf sissy… I feel like my questions are being answered…

    I was thinking over these matters for some time now. InshaAllah Im getting married in this December. I was doing a lot of reading on how to balance family life + Im a working professional. InshaAllah we will be living in my father’s house (its like an apartment). We both work in the same city.

    His hometown is far from mine, in which case I will have to make frequent visits there, sacrificing my only time to spend at home during the weekends. I have not spoken to him about how I feel on this. But NOT in the least I want him to think that Im trying to distant him from his family. I really (sincearly) want to have a good relationship with his family.

    For a working woman its important to have weekends of rest. Nowadays he visits his hometown like once in a week.

    Please help me in the light of Islam. And pls (pls pls)) do ask dua for me as well. Jazakallahu khairan.

    Reply

  18. As Salamu Alaikum wa Rehmatulahi wa Barakatuhu

    JazakAllahu Khairan for this excellent post very real post!

    As with everything from religion to parenting-from homeschooling to advice when we are honest people misunderstand, get hurt, sensitive or question us, it or what is said/written.

    Don’t let it get to you. You had some very good advice and it was very well written~Holly

    Reply

  19. Jazakallah Khair Sister Sadaf for an amazing article…..
    I’ve 2 daughters and I am divorced. Sometimes I’ve several sleepless nights just thinking if I am taking care of my girls the right way or I’m being a good mother. I’ve been taught by my mother to learn to compromise in all situations & Alhamdulillah I did but my X husband never realized anything that I did. He never took care of us no matter what. He would not spend a single riyal on us. I used to tell him that according to Islam it’s his job to take care of us but he never cared about it Alhamdulillah I’ve a job & I ended up paying for everything from house rent, groceries to my girls school fees. Things got worst I got thrashing several times if I would question him. His mother is the main reason behind his behavior it’s not only him who is like this but his other brothers as well. So last year after 10 years of suffering & torture when things got really out of hand I left him taking my girls with me to my parent’s house. We officially got divorced couple of months back & he sold all the furniture and all the household items that I’ve bought with my hard earned money and even refuse to pay the Mehar which was fixed at the time of marriage as expected & he still dosen’t think that whatever he did was wrong cause his mother always taught him to be that way. I feel that a mother plays a major role in modeling her kids life be it a girl or a boy.
    Do you think we can change the thinking of such people?

    Please remember us in your Duas & Jazakallah khair once again for your wonderful article.
    Shams

    Reply

    • السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته Shams,
      I ask Allah to grant you patience, and limitless reward in the Hereafter for what you have endured.
      May Allah compensate you and your daughters with that which is many, many times better. Ameen.
      Indeed, it is obligatory for a Muslim husband to provide for his wife and children according to his means.

      Reply

  20. Nearly everyone puts on an act of utter happiness, see the tv programs here it smacks of hypocracy, the couple comes and are asked about each other and they are all smiling and Mashallah my husband is a great guy and my wife she is an angel on planet earth..come on high time we had the guts to be truthfull, what are we all passing on to our kids, bunch of lies and lies HE does not like at all so the mothers have to get it that they have not done their part and have to sit and think it out intelligently and then act honestly and truthfully.
    If mothers here could only realize the destruction they are leaving behind in the divorce and unhappy marriages albeit the few who have taken the innitiative and have decided to lead a more promising life with sabr, hard work, and discussion, not to mention taking care of their bodies and eating and exercising for health and beauty.
    Jazakallah

    Reply

  21. Jazakillah. I feel like Allah has granted me the advice of an experienced elder sister through your blog. As the eldest child and only daughter, I am aware that being used to my parents’ special attention may create problems in married life, if I allow it to spoil me. I wish to deliberately avoid these problems from the start, with the guidance of Allah. Reading about the specific problems encountered by a “Daddy’s Princess” has made me aware of what to look out for. I am taking notes (literally). May Allah bless you for the effort you put into this post and your sincere intention of posting danger signs for others following in your footsteps.

    Reply

    • Ameen!
      Its good to see you take this post positively.
      لا حول ولا قوة الا بالله
      And Allah is the solitary source of any benefit or good that may come through my writing.

      Reply

  22. Assalamoalykum
    sister i found this today, what do you think.

    قطع رحمى ميں خاوند كى اطاعت كرنا
    ar – ur
    Share |
    كيا بيوى اپنے گھر والوں مثلا والدين اور بہن بھائيوں اور رشتہ داروں كے ساتھ قطع رحمى كرنے ميں خاوند كى اطاعت كريگى، اور اگر كرے تو اس كا گناہ كس پر ہوگا ؟
    يہ علم ميں رہے كہ خاوند اس عمل كے ليے ايك واقعہ سے استشھاد كرتا ہے كہ نبى كريم صلى اللہ عليہ وسلم كے دور ميں ايسا ہوا ايك عورت نے اس طرح كے مسئلہ ميں خاوند كى اطاعت كى حتى كہ بيوى كا والد فوت بھى ہوگيا تو اس نے خاوند كى اطاعت كرتے ہوئے والد كو ديكھا تك نہيں، تو رسول كريم صلى اللہ عليہ وسلم نے اس كى تائيد كرتے ہوئے فرمايا:
    ” خاوند كى اطاعت كرنے كى بنا پر اس عورت كا والد جنت ميں داخل ہو گيا ” برائے مہربانى يہ بتائيں كہ يہ حديث كيسى ہے، اور اس مسئلہ كا حكم كيا ہے ؟

    الحمد للہ:

    ” اللہ سبحانہ و تعالى نے والدين اور رشتہ داروں كا حق واجب كيا ہے، اور ان سے قطع رحمى كرنے سے منع فرمايا ہے والدين سے قطع رحمى نافرمانى اور شرك كے بعد اسے كبيرہ گناہ ميں شمار كيا گيا ہے، اسى طرح قطع رحمى كرنا كبيرہ گناہ ميں شمار ہوتى ہے.

    كيونكہ اللہ سبحانہ و تعالى كا فرمان ہے:

    { اور تم سے يہ بھى بعيد نہيں كہ اگر تمہيں حكومت مل جائے تو تم زمين ميں فساد بپا كرنے لگو، اور رشتے ناطے توڑ ڈالو، يہى وہ لوگ ہيں جن پر اللہ كى لعنت ہے، اور جن كى سماعت اور آنكھوں كى روشنى چھين لى گئى }محمد ( 22 – 23 ).

    خاوند كے ليے جائز نہيں كہ وہ بيوى كو ناحق والدين اور رشتہ داروں سے قطع رحمى كرنے پر ابھارے، كيونكہ اس طرح تو وہ بيوى كو معصيت و نافرمانى كرنے كى ترغيب دلا رہا ہے اور اپنے رشتہ داروں سے قطع رحمى كرنے كا حكم دے رہا ہے جو كہ ايك گناہ كا كام ہے، اور پھر اس ميں اور بھى بہت سارى خرابياں پائى جاتى ہيں، كيونكہ خاوند يا ہر ايك كى اطاعت تو نيكى كے كام ميں ہوگى.

    كيونكہ رسول كريم صلى اللہ عليہ وسلم كا فرمان ہے:

    ” اطاعت و فرمانبردارى تو نيكى كے كاموں ميں ہے ”

    اور اس ليے بھى كہ رسول كريم صلى اللہ عليہ وسلم نے فرمايا ہے:

    ” اللہ خالق كى نافرمانى ميں كسى مخلوق كى اطاعت و فرمانبردارى نہيں كى جا سكتى ”

    اس ليے خاوند كو حق نہيں كہ وہ بيوى كو اپنے والدين اور رشتہ داروں سے شرعى حدود اور مصلحت كے اندر رہتے ہوئے ملنے اور صلہ رحمى كرنے سے روكے، بلكہ خاوند كو چاہيے كہ وہ بيوى كو اپنے والدين اور رشتہ داروں سے صلہ رحمى كرنے ميں تعاون مہيا كرے، اور اسے صلہ رحمى كرنے كى ترغيب دلائے.

    كيونكہ صلہ رحمى كرنے ميں دونوں كے ليے بھلائى اور خير پائى جاتى ہے، اور جس حديث كى طرف سائل نے سوال ميں اشارہ كيا ہے، ہم نے تو آج تك يہ حديث نہيں سنى، اور نہ ہى كتابوں ميں ديكھى ہے، اور مجھے اس حديث كى حالت كے بارہ ميں بھى علم نہيں ” انتہى

    واللہ اعلم.

    source:
    http://islamqa.info/ur/ref/105442
    ديكھيں: مجموع فتاوى الشيخ صالح الفوزان ( 2 / 548 ).

    Reply

    • I totally agree. The wife should never obey her husband if he orders her to cut off relations (i.e. do قطع رحمى) with her family, especially her parents.

      Cutting off relations is forbidden in Islam. It is one extreme, whereas the other extreme is to meet, talk to, and divulge private information to parents and other family members in the name of “silah-e-rahmi” in such a way, and to such a great extent, that the marriage (i.e. the husband-wife bond of love and respect) is detrimentally affected, and the husband’s rights and his rightful status as the head of his family is undermined. The discerning proof of this latter condition would be if e.g. the wife obeys/listens to/consults/cares about only her parents and other relatives, and only does what they want her to do – in every matter, big or small – even against her husband’s approval.

      In such a case, contact with parents and family can be limited or reduced. And this reduction or limitation of a wife’s frequency and type of contact with her biological family does not classify as “قطع رحمى”.

      Here I would like to point out that the husband’s character and righteousness should be kept in mind in all such cases where the wife finds herself torn between her parents and her husband i.e. this action – of his limiting her and their children’s contact with her family – becomes necessary in the rare cases in which he, the husband, possesses more religious commitment, fear of Allah and taqwa, i.e. he acts upon the teachings of Islam more righteously than his wife’s family. In this case, he has the right to be obeyed by her regarding how much to mingle with her family, especially if they are of questionable character or lacking in religious commitment.

      If the opposite is the case, i.e. he lacks religious commitment and does not fear Allah with regards to obligatory Islamic duties such as daily prayers, and mistreats his wife and children and neglects his Islamic responsibility of providing for/taking care of them, and if her parents and relatives are more Allah-fearing and righteous than he, then his right to obedience is waived.

      And Allah knows best.

      Reply

  25. Sadaf,

    I normally don’t comment on blogs but I felt a need to comment on this one. As a younger sister of what you have deemed the “pampered daughter,” I have to say I highly disagree. Granted that you have said that this is written from your point of view, I would advise, as your sister in Islam, that you take a beat to analyze what you have written and what it implies. It does not imply an opinion; it implies an argument. In that, I think you have unfairly colored various groups of people under one assumption.

    Take for example the list of common traits. It would make sense for you to list items that point out the daughter’s inherent state of being pampered. However, you chose to highlight things like calling the parents everyday, missing her family direly, planning to visit them, holding a high rank within her family, etc. that have nothing to do with a pampered lifestyle, especially in this day and age when communication and travel is made easy. The fact that they are listed as an impromptu description of this “pampered daughter” greatly takes away from your argument.

    Furthermore, this article disturbs me because it is a reminder of the one thing I greatly dislike about people preaching Islamic behavior (and I say this as a person who considers religiosity the greatest virtue). It reminds me that too many well-meaning people see the world in black and white and only recognize the shades of grey when others paint them in the darker category (and I admit, I am guilty of that myself many times). I understand that you may recall your husband and children first when identifying your family but is it really so wrong if someone identifies theirs differently? I understand that you may view a YouTube video to get a recipe but what is so wrong about a women to calls her mother for help? By considering it wrong to add more zest to a preconceived argument, you are stereotyping a group of people you do not understand. I am not a pampered daughter (not even close — none of your traits resonated with me in the least) so, for what it’s worth, you can take my comment as one from an objective perspective (or at least a less biased one).

    I thank you for what you have pointed out regarding the various Islamic laws and regulations regarding married life but I ask you to reconsider the opinion you add on to it as it presents itself as less a perspective and more a judgement on sisters that don’t match your definition (not Islam’s definition) of right.

    If I have said anything wrong or unjust here, I ask you and Allah to forgive me for it. However, please note that I have read many articles, including your other posts, but never commented until now — and now, simply to offer some well-meaning (and perhaps unsolicited) advise to my sister. May it find you in the best of imaan. Ameen.

    Reply

    • Jazakillah khair for your honest feedback, Fatimah. I appreciate your sincerity.

      Let me guess. You are 24 years old, going on 25? You have a married sister and you probably know – in detail – all the struggles she has endured since her marriage (especially those with her in-laws) because of her candid accounts and timely phone updates? You are single and still living with your parents, whom you are very close to? Masha’Allah! My guess could be wrong, though. I am just “gauging” the situation from where you are coming, based on your response in light of my limited life experience. Sorry if it causes offense.

      Once you cross over to the other side (insha’Allah) and spend a decade adjusting successfully to your married life, we might hope that you’ll better be able understand where I am coming from in this article. Or, if you have a brother and he gets married, we will see how well you take his wife’s unabated emotional attachment to her parents and their home. Most of us possess a very obviously “double” set of standards about this issue – one for ourselves, our biological sisters and our female BFF’s. And the other for our brother’s wives and our daughters-in-law. Sad, but true.

      If you had no sister, but only had brothers, who were all married to women who possessed the traits that I have listed in this article, I am quite certain your response to it would have been totally different. Again, speaking primarily from life experience.

      There is a reason why a husband has greater rights over a married woman than even her own mother, let alone her father. There is a reason why wise and sagely parents, transcending boundaries of all cultures and geographical regions, emphatically advise their married daughters to always visit their home only temporarily, like a guest, and never stay away from their husbands for too long.

      All that has changed now, however. Now it is not just customary for a married daughter to call up her parents daily (which results in her discussing things with them that should not be discussed), but to cling to them emotionally, financially and physically (e.g. by living in with them) long after she is married, and to also visit them more often than necessary, no matter how much her husband dislikes all of this. Any reprimand or reminder results in offense or hurt feelings.

      The fact that communication and travel is so much easier now,- well, how about if I think that this should actually reduce the amount of time a married daughter stays connected to her biological parents’ home, simply because now she can call or visit them more easily than, say, 20 years ago, when the world was not a global village?

      Fatimah bint Muhammad endured severe hunger and thirst in her husband’s home, and worked until her hands became calloused, but when she ran to her father for help, he did not provide her with a servant despite being able to, but instead, advised her to just focus on remembering Allah in order to alleviate her struggles.

      I am fine with any reader thinking that I see this issue only as black and white; that I have heavily generalized and stereotyped married sisters; and that I have supposedly passed judgments (in that case, it was primarily myself that I judged, because all the traits of a pampered daughter that I’ve listed in the above article were there in me at the start of my own marriage).

      If someone out there in the world can learn from my past mistakes and thus be prevented from making their own ones (which could very well be fatally detrimental to their own marriage), then I think it is worth my coming off as “judgmental” or “one-sided” in this article. Those who perceive it to be such can just reject the opinion expressed in it.

      And Allah is truly the source of all that is good.

      Reply

      • Dear Sister Sadaf,

        I totally agree with your reply.

        “Fatimah bint Muhammad endured severe hunger and thirst in her husband’s home, and worked until her hands became calloused, but when she ran to her father for help, he did not provide her with a servant despite being able to, but instead, advised her to just focus on remembering Allah in order to alleviate her struggles.”

        This is the hadith which I stated to my wife and also my parents to her parents. But, I feel that when people themselves what reasons the quote a lot of hadiths but when some one quotes hadith to them, they just disregard it.

        This clearly shows the double standards of Human Nature.

        Alhamdulillah, the more I learn about Human Nature through personal experience, the more I get clear about Islamic laws. Not only about the rights of different relationships which bound humans but the complete existence of shariah laws.

        Once, again thank you for the wonderful article.

        Reply

  26. As salaam alaikum Sadaf,

    Jazak Allah khair for your reply.

    Let me start by sincerely requesting that you refrain from profiling me. It’s a HUGE pet peeve of mine (hence my post earlier about categorizing people as pampered daughters).

    While I don’t have any desire to debate details, I thought you might find it interesting that my sister rarely visits the family house. Whenever we have a gathering, we practically have to beg her to come so we can all catch up (no exaggeration needed). My sister-in-laws, on the other hand, meet their parents much more often, even though some of them live further away — something that I have absolutely no issue with and, honestly, never even realized until you brought it up. In case I didn’t explain my dislike of blanket stereotyping earlier, here it is — because there is always an exception.

    I also wanted to clarify what I meant a little bit. In your response, you talk about a husband’s rights over his wife and how women should not ignore or go against their husband. It seems like you think I am debating you on this. Rest assured that I agree with you; it is a valid point from a Islamic perspective. What I disagree on is intertwining other matters that have no Islamic backing with the Islamic aspects of your article, especially when done in such a definitive way.

    While I have to say I could not understand what you meant to imply by saying that ease in communication and travel should actually deter women from maintaining a bond with their previous house, I must say that your example of Fatimah bint Muhammad nicely serves to prove my point. She went to her father for help. Isn’t the article suggesting that this act, seeking advice from a biological parent once married, is indicative of a pampered girl who needs to be set aright?

    In any case, I admire that you have written this in an effort to advise less experienced sisters. That is a noble intention. I only ask that you recognize that black-and-white takes on things are very polarizing and, a bit of grey, as a bit of compromise in marriage, is always a necessity. Share your experiences, do whatever you like. It is your blog after all. I just ask that you recognize that your words have an impact and thus choose them carefully. In fact, I was introduced to your blog because a friend of mine LIVES by your words (again, no exaggeration needed). I would hate for her to cut off talking to her parents or something equally destructive because she thinks it makes her a better Muslim. Would you?

    I don’t mean to annoy, just to advise as I would if it was my sister writing this article. Take from it what you will iA.

    And Allah knows best.

    Reply

    • “I must say that your example of Fatimah bint Muhammad nicely serves to prove my point. She went to her father for help. Isn’t the article suggesting that this act, seeking advice from a biological parent once married, is indicative of a pampered girl who needs to be set aright?”

      Yes it is. Did the Prophet (صلى الله عليه و سلم) “set her [his daughter] aright” or not? I linked to the article to highlight the Prophet’s reaction to his married daughter coming to him, her parent, for help. His actions are the ones we should look up to and endorse.

      His response and subsequent advice to her is clearly discouraging her from seeking his help again. Anyone can see that. Except those who choose to see only those things that “prove their point”. 🙂

      Your statement, “I would hate for her to cut off talking to her parents or something equally destructive because she thinks it makes her a better Muslim” actually made me blink twice, to make sure you had actually written this line.

      SubhanAllah, everything is clear now. I see no further need to respond to you after this. May Allah grant us all hidayah, especially me. Ameen. FYI My dislike of back-and-forth arguing and debating is perhaps greater than your dislike of “blanket stereotyping”.

      I am very grateful to you for taking time out to leave your comments under this post. Insha’Allah, they will prove to be very insightful to all of its readers in the future.

      I have only one more thing to say to you, sister: وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

      Reply

  27. My dislike of arguing back-and-forth is quite high as well 🙂

    Consider this my last post as I see that I have overstayed my welcome but I just wanted to take a second to clarify a few things.

    I went back and read the article you linked to. Admittedly, I overlooked it the first time around. I think we just perceive the story differently. I see the Prophet (PBUH) going to his daughter’s house to respond to her query and giving her a better gift than what she had initially asked for as evidence of how a father can have a important, positive role in a married daughter’s life. Clearly, you do not. We can agree to disagree.

    As for my comment about my friend, I did not mean to offend you as it seems I have. I sincerely apologize for that. I just wanted to express how deeply she values anything and everything you say. This is a girl who admires you to such a degree that she is actively modeling her life to match yours, rightfully so as you are mA very accomplished in so many things :). Perhaps the way I conveyed this to you wasn’t particularly artful but there was no ill intention behind it.

    I sincerely wish you the best in all your future endeavors and hope to continue to learn from you. And while we may disagree on this particular matter, I can wholeheartedly agree with your dua: may Allah grant us all hidaya. Ameen!

    Reply

  28. Sister, its been intriguing to read your article. I need some further advice…any chance you can email me directly?

    Reply

  29. AOA Sister, I came across your blog when I exclusively searched Google for advice relating to married muslim women and their relationship with their families. (And No, I am not the pampered daughter but a middle one of six kids, out of which 4 are girls. 🙂 )
    I just wanted to say that for the past few years, I have struggled with my family (Ahem.. Pakistani…) and I have been made to feel guilty, labeled as a bad daughter as well as a terrible sister because my priorities changed when I got married 10 years ago. Guess what… I decided to keep my husband happy because he made me his priority. I stood up for my husband and in-laws when my parents and siblings said anything unfair and made the mistake of sharing with my siblings how happy being married. After 8 years of unfair demands from them, when they treated me and my family (which by then included my wonderful son and sweet daughter) as if we owed them because we were happy and apparently they were not, (my 3 other sisters are described perfectly point by point in your blog, I thought for a minute as if you knew them), my relationship to them has come to a standstill where I call my parents because its my duty to do so and I love them no matter what and keep it neutral with the siblings who think me worthy of a relationship (And please don’t judge me Ladies for getting to this point as last year my younger brother got married and they were too BUSY to let me know and I found out through my sister in law who saw the pictures on face book, imagine my HORROR…). 🙂
    All in all rant over, though I found your blog quite late, thought I will join my voice to yours. I learned from the mistakes my sisters made with their husbands and in laws and my husband and I reached an agreement earlier in our marriage, though unknowingly to cover each other form our prospective in laws. I hope Allah forgives me for any wrong I might have done to my family but it was never intentional.
    Again Thank you for the blog, I feel I have had a big box of Ferraro Rocher with no guilt attached and ofcourse no added pounds as well. 🙂

    Reply

  30. Apologies for errors, I can assure you I am capable of writing without spell and grammar check under normal circumstances. 🙂

    Reply

    • وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته
      Thank you for leaving your comment here, Saadia.

      I ask Allah to place mutual love in the hearts of your parents, all their children, as well as their children’s spouses. Ameen. May Allah unite you with your parents and siblings in mutual love that is sincere for the sake of Allah, and which doesn’t undermine the honor of the spouses and in-laws of each. Ameen.

      Reply

    • If it makes you feel any better, Saadia, I have seen two similar cases in my own close circle of relatives, in which one sibling found out that another was getting married only after everything had already been decided i.e. the wedding date had been set, and invitation cards printed. The said siblings in both cases were in another country, but nevertheless, finding out that your brother is getting married after all the other siblings already know about it, definitely feels weird and hurts a lot.

      One such sister was not even sent an invite by her brother (for his wedding), and when she confronted him, he said something like, “I mailed you the card, it must have been misplaced by the post office.” 🙂

      It is very true, that when siblings get married, if and when one is happier and more successful than the others in their marital home, the others can get envious, and they can also then try to turn their other siblings and parents against that happy/successful brother/sister. The Quran testifies to sibling envy, in the stories of Habeel and Qabeel, and Prophet Yusuf (عليه السلام).

      Reply

  32. Thank you Sadaf. It does make me feel better that I am not an anomaly situation among my siblings. Also re: brother’s remarks, he at least made an effort to make up an excuse for not inviting, I was told that it happened very last minute and no one had time. Oh dear… but to be fair, I do have a very complicated situation and I accept, not a normal family set up. But Thank you again, I feel I have discovered a treasure blog that will keep me provided with reading material on my tablet for quite some time to come. 🙂 Jazak Allah.

    Reply

  33. Very detail article about marriage girls, I am facing the same problem these days, all the above things you mention about pamper girls lie in my wife, Main reason is her mother, she use to call her mother daily and inform every smallest detail, even husband wife personal (sexual detail) to her, and her mother told her how to treat me and my parents, she use to visit when ever her mother call him, whenever her parents come to my house they directly enter our bedroom without my permission, they say they have more right then mine and i can’t stop them for anything, My wife went to her parents recently before she went i ask her to stay with me for few more days but she refuses and when she went to her parents, she does not want to come back and say those things which were not happen between us,

    First of all before marriage parents of my wife did not tell me the trust about her daughter, that she is not physically fit, fits problem u know. When i ask my mother in law about it she said she does not have any problem before marriage, since you gave her tension that’s why she has fits problem, Now my wife mother wants divorce for her daughter, my mother in law is involve in our home every matter and insult my mother many times, she even said if i don’t give her divorce she would seek court help, i don’t know what to do now.

    My wife use to say bad things about my mother, i don’t even ask my mother about it, but one day when i ask my mother she felt very sad and say there is nothing like this you said, then later i came to know that my wife mother was involve in this planning, my wife don’t cook at all and every time my old mother have to cookthemselves.

    i don’t know what to do, weather to leave this relationship or continue it. we have no children as yet, because my wife don’t want children for few years because she said she can’t bear pregnancy pain.

    Reply

  34. Dear Blogger, It seems that you are trying to vent out your feelings about one of your SIL. It may be your brother or BIL’s wife or your husband’s sister. A good muslimah is supposed to find a good balance between her birth family and her husband. She ows nothing but respect and courteously to her husband’s family. her rights and responsibilities towards her family doesn’t end on the day of her nikah. Her paradise remains under HER mother’s feet, it doesn’t relocate under her MIL’s feet. She needs to love and respect her husband, fulfil his needs,provide him a peaceful home and care for their children but that’s about it. Same way her husband needs to fulfil his responsibilities towards his children, his wife and his own family. His only duty towards her family is offering respect and courtesousy. They should try to help each other out with keeping good relations with both families but it’s a two way street, both families should show them similar respect and courtesousy as well.

    Mr. Imran, You need to look at this matter in a fair and just manner to decide if you should continue this marriage or not. According to you, your wife and her parents are the ones at total fault while you and your family is angelic. It may not be completely true and you may need to do some soul searching to be able to make a rational decision. Cooking and caring for your mother is your duty not hers, you can request but you can’t demand. Her mother deserves as much respect from you as your mother deserves from her. It seems that neither of you care for each other or respect your MIL’s. You need two hands to clap.

    Reply

  35. Aslm.
    This post couldn’t be more correct! Its amazing how all the points that have been raised here are so true and valid! Even this email that I am sending does not do justice to my amazement!
    Insha Allah I hope lots of parents and spoilt married daughters will read it and take heed.
    Instead of pampering and protecting your daughter’s wrongs, teach them and help them to build their lives in the correct path and their lives will improve instead of causing more damage!
    Jazaakallah for this post!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

Gravatar
WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.