بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَـنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Bring to mind the hustling bustling home you grew up in. Someone or the other was always coming or going. Domestic servants would arrive early or mid morn, probably without even knocking, or after knocking repeatedly and very loudly.
Relatives, near and distant, would drop in unannounced at any time of the day. The home probably had a central living room/lounge with an adjoining drawing room, in either of which, the visitors and hosts would all sit together and enjoy cheerful repartee over cups of tea.
Indeed, honoring guests is endorsed by Islam, especially those visiting from another city or country:
Abu Shurayh al-‘Adawi said: “I heard with my own two ears and I saw with my own two eyes when the Prophet [صلى الله عليه و سلم] spoke and said: “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him honor his neighbor; whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him honor his guest as he is entitled.”
It was said, “What is his entitlement, O Messenger of Allah?”
He said, “[The best treatment] for one day and one night; and hospitality is for three days, and anything after that is charity bestowed upon him. And whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him speak good words, or else remain silent.”
[Narrated by Al-Bukhari, 5560 and Muslim, 69]
As a child, I’d remember the flurry that started in the house when unexpected guests came. In those days (the eighties), the only means of long-distance communication was either the telephone land-line, or handwritten letters. Consequently, people “dropped in” a lot, especially if they lived far off in another locality and were visiting our part of the city for some errand or other purpose. They’d want to take the opportunity to visit and pay their respects.
As soon as a peek into the front-door’s peep-hole revealed unexpected guests standing at the threshold, I would hastily be told to go change into something more “presentable”. Clutter and other objects casually strewn around every where – evidence of a comfy, lived-in “home” – would be hastily swished out of sight – into bedrooms, cupboards, and drawers.
The kitchen cupboards, pantry and fridge would be rummaged to extract refreshments for the guests. Crockery and cutlery would then be discreetly taken out and washed. I might add here, that worn clothes hanging on hooks in the bathroom were also hastily removed because, without exception, one or more of the guests always needed to use “the can” during their visit, even if just to wash their hands.
The home would thus turn into an “open house”: there were no demarcations of private areas or “off-limit” rooms where the guests could not enter without permission. Their children would freely saunter into the “TV lounge” from the drawing room where all the adults sat, pick up the remote and turn on the television to flick channels.
The mother would saunter into the kitchen and courteously offer to help lay the table or trolley. Some of the children would come into our bedroom and start to play with our toys.
All of this was alright until I was a child, but as a tween, I remember starting to resent it when girls from the visiting family sauntered into my bedroom and “ransacked” my dolls and other doll-house stuff to play with without my permission. It was all I could do to keep their hands out of my cupboard!
“Guests are the mercy of Allah” is a common adage in local Pakistani Muslim culture.
Now, as an adult living in my own home, my focus in searching for life-as-a-Muslim’s “do’s and don’ts” has totally and permanently shifted to Islamic sources – specifically, the Quran and ahadith.
Culture has paled into insignificance, if not into non-existence, especially since it is so rapidly evolving and changing. Not that I was a big fan of cultural values anyway, particularly those that involve wasteful extravagance, unnecessary hassle, or other tiresome formalities in the name of tradition.
In the current era, as I said, “values” of other “cultures” are being quickly and willingly adopted; therefore, I am no big fan of our past or present cultural norms, especially those adopted from our Hindu neighbors, or from the British who ruled over our forefathers, and which have no endorsement from our perfect religion Islam in the first place.
One such “value” is entertaining and welcoming everyone as “guests” so openly and willingly that it turns one’s home into an “open house” in a way that promotes free-mixing, intrusion of privacy, and interference in personal family matters.
First, I would like you to take a look at your circle of relatives and friends, whether you are single or married. Now tell me how many families among them observe social reservation in front of people who are not their mahrums when they go social-calling/visiting others as guests, or when they entertain guests at their own home.
I am not talking about covering the head loosely with a dupatta or avoiding handshakes with the opposite gender.
I am talking about lowering the gaze, not talking too much or very directly to non-mahrums in a very frank and free manner, and sitting at a distance from them, preferably in another room. I am also specifically talking about women not serving food to non-mahrum men themselves.
I find it odd that we openly use Islam to encourage impromptu social calls at others’ homes as part of our culture – social calls that, unfortunately, sometimes even border on the invasive/intrusive – yet, we fail to adhere to the rules of social etiquette that Islam has ordained for these meetings.
Consequently, the ayaat (verses) of the Quran that I wish to highlight in this post have to do with social etiquette regarding visiting other people’s homes.
What I want to discuss, in particular, is a part of one of these ayaat, which I found somewhat perplexing when I first studied the Quran many years ago, as a young girl.
It was perplexing to me simply because the social trends prevalent in our local culture so openly contradicted it!
The two ayaat are from Surah Al-Nur, which was revealed in Madinah and detailed several Islamic commands regarding privacy and modesty for Muslims:
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا لَا تَدْخُلُوا بُيُوتًا غَيْرَ بُيُوتِكُمْ حَتَّى تَسْتَأْنِسُوا وَتُسَلِّمُوا عَلَى أَهْلِهَا ذَلِكُمْ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ
“O you who believe! Enter not houses other than your own without first announcing your presence and invoking peace upon the folk thereof. That is better for you, that you may take heed.” [24:27]
فَإِن لَّمْ تَجِدُوا فِيهَا أَحَدًا فَلَا تَدْخُلُوهَا حَتَّى يُؤْذَنَ لَكُمْ وَإِن قِيلَ لَكُمُ ارْجِعُوا فَارْجِعُوا هُوَ أَزْكَى لَكُمْ وَاللَّهُ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ عَلِيمٌ
“And if you find no one therein, still enter not until permission has been given. And if it is said to you: “Go away”, then go away, for it is purer for you. Allah knows what you all do.” [24:28]
Tafsir Ibn Kathir states about the above verse:
Qatadah said that one of the emigrants (مهاجرين) said: “All my life I tried to follow this ayah, but if I asked for permission to enter upon one of my brothers and he asked me to go back, I could not do so happily, although Allah says, “وَإِن قِيلَ لَكُمْ ارْجِعُواْ فَارْجِعُواْ هُوَ أَزْكَى لَكُمْ وَاللَّهُ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ عَلِيمٌ” – “And if you are asked to go back, go back, for it is purer for you. And Allah is All-Knower of what you do.”
Sa`id bin Jubayr said about this part of the ayah: وَإِن قِيلَ لَكُمْ ارْجِعُواْ فَارْجِعُواْ – “And if you are asked to go back, then go back“ –> “This means, do not stand at people’s doors.”
End quote Tafsir Ibn Kathir.
***
I can not imagine what kind of offense I’d cause in today’s day and age by asking someone who knocks on my door to “go away/back”. Can you?
Can you imagine what kind of hell would break loose if you turned a visitor away with these words, no matter how nicely? Especially if this person was older than you, and/or a close relative?
First of all, thanks to the local “open house” culture, everyone assumes that they are always welcome in the home of a relative or close friend, just because of their biological or other relation/connection with them.
How many times have I heard people say this statement in a tone of endearment and love, “We will definitely come to your house soon. Apna hee ghar hai! (“It is our own home”)?
Er, actually, its not. [Just stating a fact]
We are quite ignorant, as Muslims, of the commands of the Quran and sunnah regarding respecting others’ privacy when visiting them in their homes, even if they are our parents, siblings, cousins, grandparents, aunts/uncles, or married offspring – let alone distant relatives or mere acquaintances!
Tafsir Ibn Kathir further expounds the above two verses (the parts in italics are directly copied from the tafsir; those not in italics are my own words):
“This is the Islamic etiquette. Allah taught these manners (of seeking permission) to His believing servants and commanded them not to enter houses other than their own until they had asked permission, i.e., to ask for permission before entering and to give the greeting of Salam after asking. One should seek permission three times, and if permission is given, (he may enter), otherwise he should go away.
It was reported in the Sahih that when Abu Musa asked `Umar three times for permission to enter and he did not give him permission, he went away.
Then `Umar said, “Did I not hear the voice of `Abdullah bin Qays asking for permission to enter? Let him come in.” So they looked for him, but found that he had gone.
When he came later on, `Umar said, “Why did you go away?”
He said, “I asked for permission to enter three times, but permission was not given to me, and I heard the Prophet say,
إِذَا اسْتَأْذَنَ أَحَدُكُمْ ثَلَاثًا فَلَمْ يُؤْذَنْ لَهُ فَلْيَنْصَرِفْ
“If any one of you asks for permission three times and it is not given, then let him go away.”
***
Imam Ahmad recorded a narration stating that Anas, or someone else, said, that the Messenger of Allah [صلى الله عليه و سلم] asked for permission to enter upon Sa`d bin `Ubadah.
He said: السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكَ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ
Sa`d said, “Wa `Alaykas-Salam Wa Rahmatullah,” but the Prophet [صلى الله عليه و سلم] did not hear the returned greeting until he had given the greeting three times and Sa`d had returned the greeting three times, but Sa`d responded in a low voice.
So the Prophet went back, and Sa`d followed him and said,”O Messenger of Allah, may my father and mother be ransomed for you! You did not give any greeting but I responded to you, but I did not let you hear me. I wanted to get more of your Salam and blessings.”
Then he admitted him to his house and offered him some raisins.
The Prophet ate, and when he finished, he said,
أَكَلَ طَعَامَكُمُ الْأَبْرَارُ، وَصَلَّتْ عَلَيْكُمُ الْمَلَائِكَةُ، وَأَفْطَرَ عِنْدَكُمُ الصَّائِمُونَ
“May the righteous eat your food, may the angels send blessings upon you and may those who are fasting, break their fast with you.”
***
It should also be known that the one who is seeking permission to enter should not stand directly in front of the door; he should have the door on his right or left, because of the Hadith recorded by Abu Dawud from `Abdullah bin Busr, who said,
“When the Messenger of Allah came to someone’s door, he would never stand directly in front of it, but to the right or left, and he would say,
السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ، السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ
That was because at that time the houses had no covers or curtains over their doorways.”
This report was recorded by Abu Dawud.
***
In the two sahih’s (Bukhari and Muslim), it is recorded that the Messenger of Allah [صلى الله عليه و سلم] said:
لَوْ أَنَّ امْرَءًا اطَّلَعَ عَلَيْكَ بِغَيْرِ إِذْنٍ فَخَذَفْتَهُ بِحَصَاةٍ فَفَقَأْتَ عَيْنَهُ، مَا كَانَ عَلَيْكَ مِنْ جُنَاحٍ
“If a person looks into your house without your permission, and you throw a stone at him and it puts his eye out, there will be no blame on you.”
***
Imam Ahmad recorded from Kaladah bin Al-Hanbal that at the time of the Conquest (of Makkah), Safwan bin Umayyah sent him with milk, a small gazelle, and small cucumbers when the Prophet was at the top of the valley.
He said, “I entered upon the Prophet and I did not give the greeting of Salam, nor ask for permission to enter.
The Prophet [صلى الله عليه و سلم] said,
ارْجِعْ فَقُلْ: السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ أَأَدْخُلُ؟
“Go back and say: “As-Salamu `Alaykum, may I enter?””
This was after Safwan had become Muslim.“
[Also recorded by Abu Dawud, Al-Tirmidhi and An-Nasa’i. Al-Tirmidhi said, “Hasan Gharib.”]
***
Ibn Jurayj said that he heard `Ata’ bin Abi Rabah narrating that Ibn `Abbas (رَضِىَ اللهُ عَنه) said, “There are three ayaat whose rulings people neglect:
i) Allah says, إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عَندَ اللَّهِ أَتْقَـكُمْ – “Verily, the most honorable of you with Allah is the one who has the most Taqwa” [49:13], but (now) they say that the most honorable of them with Allah is the one who has the biggest house.
ii) As for seeking permission, the people have forgotten all about it.”
I said, “Should I seek permission to enter upon my orphan sisters who are living with me in one house”
He said, “Yes.”
I asked him to make allowances for me, but he refused and said, “Do you want to see them naked?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “Then ask for permission to enter.”
I asked him again and he said, “Do you want to obey Allah?”
I said, “Yes.”
He said, “Then ask for permission.”
Ibn Jurayj said, “Ibn Tawus told me that his father said, “There are no women whom I hate to see naked more than those who are my Mahrams.” He was very strict on this point.”
***
Ibn Jurayj narrated that Az-Zuhri said, “I heard Huzayl bin Shurahbil Al-Awdi Al-A`ma (say that) he heard Ibn Mas`ud say, “You have to seek permission to enter upon your mothers.”’
Ibn Jurayj said, “I said to `Ata’: “Does a man have to seek permission to enter upon his wife?”
He said, “No, it can be understood that this is not obligatory, but it is better for him to let her know that he is coming in so as not to startle her, because she may be in a state where she does not want him to see her.””
***
Abu Ja`far bin Jarir narrated from the nephew of Zaynab, the wife of `Abdullah bin Mas`ud (رَضِىَ اللهُ عَنه), that Zaynab (رَضِىَ اللهُ عَنهَا) said,
“When `Abdullah [her husband] came back from some errand and reached the door, he would clear his throat and spit, because he did not want to come suddenly and find us in a state he disliked.”
[Its chain of narration is Sahih]
End quote Tafsir Ibn Kathir.
To sum up the Islamic etiquette of calling on people’s homes:
– Discretion is advised when entering upon people. Permission has to be sought before entering anyone’s home. Locking, opaque front doors, doorbells and knockers are common for this purpose by now, alhamdulillah. The prevalence and use of these objects are in accordance with Islamic injunctions.
– The Prophet [صلى الله عليه و سلم] would seek permission thrice by saying السلام عليكم. If he got no answer, he would go away. Please note: He would not get offended if he received no response. He would not think, “I am the Prophet of Allah and they did not answer my greeting nor let me into their home.”
This is because Allah has given Muslims the right to not answer a visitor; to not respond to someone who knocks on their door. And they are not obliged to provide an explanation as justification for their choice.
Contrast the Prophet’s humility to the prevalent attitude nowadays. When we do not receive a response from inside, we start to bang on the front-door even harder and louder. We persist in ringing the doorbell as if our finger is stuck to it with glue.
Also, since social ‘calls’ are now possible via telephonic mode, if someone doesn’t answer our phone calls on their cell phone immediately, we keep ringing them up in hot pursuit because we consider ourselves too important to be ignored.
-> Are we more important, honorable and worthy of being answered than Allah’s Messenger [صلى الله عليه و سلم]?
Not just that, after we get no response, we turn back in a huff. Only Allah can henceforth protect the one who “ignored” us in such a manner! Because whenever we will meet or talk to them on the phone next, we will demand a reasonable justification for being ignored:
- “I came to your home and knocked for 15 minutes before going back. Where were you? Why didn’t you answer?”
- “I called and called this morning, but you didn’t respond. Why don’t you answer the phone?! You must have seen all the missed calls. Where were you?“
- “We have come to your home thrice this year. Each time, no one was home.” –> followed by a piercing glare, which – if looks could kill – would result in sure death.
First of all, unless the recipient of your visit or phone call is a 12-year-old child (or even younger: such as a thumb-sucking baby), they do not owe you an explanation or excuse for not responding, which you find acceptable enough to let them off with. They have a right to their privacy, because a person’s cell phone is not a tracking device used for their 24-hour surveillance.
In fact, they don’t owe you any justification at all. Because Allah – their Creator – has given them the right as adults, to not respond to phone calls or knocks at their door – for whatever reason – if they do not wish to.
Also, if you feel that others owe you a justification for not responding to your visits or phone calls, or for refusing to have you over as a guest as often as you want, or for not talking to you on the phone when and as often as you want, then it seems that perhaps you have some control issues.
– As is obvious from the ahadith quoted above, it is highly recommended that adult Muslim men seek permission before entering the bedrooms or private chambers of even their mahrum women viz. their mothers and sisters.
No, I am not crazy.
Yes, I did just write the above lines. 🙂
When siblings of the opposite gender pass puberty, they have to start respecting certain boundaries related to mutual privacy e.g. their undergarments become “awrah” (something worthy of being hidden) from each other. Girls start having monthly cycles that might leave embarrassing stains on their mattresses that they don’t want their brother(s) to see. It now becomes inappropriate even for grownup sons/brothers/nephews to enter upon their mother, sister or aunt when she is lying down in a manner that reveals the shape of her lower body etc.
– Prophet Muhammad [صلى الله عليه و سلم] would announce his arrival before entering upon his wives. When he returned from a journey, he went to the masjid first. After news of his arrival in the city reached his wives, he entered upon them after some time, so that they could prepare themselves for him in a manner that they were comfortable with.
As is obvious from a narration quoted above, even his companions announced their arrival before entering upon their wives.
When such decorum and respect for privacy was observed at that time between a husband and wife, who have NO “awrah” from each other, what can be said about our local culture of relatives barging unannounced into each others’ homes, treating the latter like their own home, and asking intrusive questions?
– The obligation of honoring the guest and welcoming them into one’s home is waived in the case of proven gossipmongers, troublemakers, and people lacking religious commitment.
“If they are bad friends or are those who have nothing better to do, and impose themselves on others all the time, then they should be treated in a manner that befits them, because they annoy the people with their actions. ”
[“She is upset by her husband’s many guests who come all the time” | IslamQA, 23362].
– Since this post is all about rights and rules of Islam regarding visitors and guests, I would like to point out here that the husband possesses the right to bar even those of his wife’s, or his own, relatives from visiting his home, who cause trouble in his marriage or home in any manner e.g. in the children’s moral upbringing, or if they instigate his wife or children against him, or if they come to their home and interfere in matters to such an extent that the husband-wife duo end up fighting after each such visit.
It might sound very extreme and downright odd, but this restriction from visiting can also apply to the husband’s or wife’s own parent(s):
“It is not permissible for (the wife) to let her mother, father, sister, brother, paternal uncle, maternal uncle, paternal aunt or maternal aunt into her husband’s house, if he objects to that.
Attention is drawn to this because some women – Allah forbid – are bad even to their daughters. If they see that the daughters are settled and happy with their husbands, they become jealous – Allah forbid – even though they are mothers, and they try to spoil things between the daughter and her husband.
So the husband has the right to stop such a mother from entering his house, and he has the right to say to his wife: “She should not enter my house”. He has the right to prevent her according to sharee’ah, and he has the right to prevent his wife from going to see her, because she is namaamah (one who spreads malicious gossip) and a troublemaker.”
[ — Shaikh Muhammad Ibn Salih Al-‘Uthaymin – IslamQA 110845]
Please note that this is for extreme cases of necessity only, in which the harmony of an otherwise happy Muslim marriage needs to be safeguarded from the visits of such guests.
In even such a scenario, it is advised that contact with gossipy troublemakers only be reduced – to phone calls, or fewer, infrequent visits – and never cut off completely, if they are kith and kin, or close neighbors.
– Finally, the sin of looking inside someone else’s home without their permission or knowledge is so great, that if the house inmate(s) were to injure the “Peeping Tom’s” eye, it would not be a sin in the eyes of Allah!
Just think about it for a moment: the gravity of this sin – of peeping into someone’s home!
Subhan Allah, nowadays we have “reality shows” on television in which many people live together in a single house as “housemates”, with cameras recording all their private proceedings for the world to see – and to judge.
We have made entertainment shows out of peering into others’ lives. What is more sad: that celebrities allow their private lives to be broadcast around the globe for millions of viewers, or that there are millions of people out there who have nothing better to do than to actually watch these reality shows?!
Also, bring to mind the cramped, high-rise apartment buildings that are often built too close together in urban, cosmopolitan cities; so close that if the curtains are not drawn, you can practically see inside your neighbors’ bedroom from your own door or window, if you are not careful about lowering your gaze.
In our society, people are often quite careless about hiding the insides of their homes by drawing their curtains at night time, with the need for “ventilation and fresh air” often given as excuses for immodesty and laxity in preventing others’ eyes – whether an accidental gaze or an inquisitive one – from looking inside.
Lastly, if peeping inside someone’s home from outside is such a grave sin, then – on the same token – peeping inside someone’s bedroom, bathroom, cupboard, purse/handbag/wallet/briefcase, kitchen cabinets, chest of drawers, private files, mail/correspondence, or any other belongings, without their approval or consent, is also a sin.
Such habits are contrary to the social etiquette of upholding decency and decorum in community living taught by the Quran.
A bit more about nosy people:
In this day and age, the ease and multiple modes of instant communication have made joining relations and inquiring about people’s health much easier and faster.
Emails, social media (Facebook and Twitter) and cell phone text messages can be exchanged within seconds – connecting people internationally. This has reduced the necessity of calling on people at their homes, especially if they dwell in the same locality or city.
I would like to point out here, that there are some people who mask their nosiness and their urge to interfere in other people’s lives for personal entertainment to help pass their time (because they basically don’t ‘have a life’), with the false pretense of صِلَةُ الرَحِم (or “silah e rehmi” as it is called in Urdu).
Such people use the “Islamic obligation” of joining relations, showing concern for other people’s health and well-being, and of honoring guests, to consistently barge into other people’s homes, ask nosy questions, and then visit other homes to spread the details of what they have learned during these visits. E.g:
- “We went to stay at the home of so-and-so in such-and-such city. Their home is a spacious XYZ-bedroom apartment, with X number of rooms. They also have a guest room with this-and-that pieces of furniture. They have employed a cook whom they pay only Rs so-and-so. The apartment is on XYZ floor with a view of ABC-public-place. You should use their home to stay overnight when you visit that city, it will save you the cost of staying at a hotel…….”
- “They have so-many properties out of which this-many are given on rent. They just bought so-and-so new car through a lease from such-and-such bank. Their older son is on so-and-so position in such-and-such company with this-much salary in addition to free fuel. I don’t know why their younger daughter-in-law didn’t come out to meet us while we were there. Maybe she was feeling sick because she is pregnant? I think it is high time she had her second baby.“
The topic of nosiness and interference deserves a post of its own, because it can not be tackled completely here. However, I am going into some details about it because it has a direct connection with the etiquette of calling on people in their homes.
The dead-giveaway traits of nosy people who call on other people just to enjoy “free” refreshments and light entertainment to pass the time (under the guise of concern and love, of course) that should make your guard go up, and which should make you practice extra caution and discretion in letting them into your home, or in telling them things about your private life, are:
- Notice their eyes: their eyes take in everything the minute they step into your home – the decor, the furniture, the accessories. The pupils dart around in quick movements. They cannot hide their innate curiosity even if they tried to.
- They make up excuses to go into the kitchen or bathroom to examine the variety of things there. “Let me help you with that” (without being asked for help), “Tell me where the waste bin is, and I will throw this wrapper for you” etc. Here, I’d like to point out that, in contrast, sincere people who are not nosy, display through their body language that they are a bit embarrassed that they or their child needs to use your bathroom during the visit. They will make it short and quick, and will not ask any questions about the shampoo that you use, or the price of the tiles.
- They always – always – ask you questions about your money e.g. where you got something from, and for how much. Even if you convey to them that you do not like such questions, they will still do it, because it is their intrinsic nature, and because they don’t care about what you want or feel about this issue! [*Sigh*]
- They want to know the details of the husband-wife relationship AND comment on how they think it should be rectified.
- After gleaning all the above things from you, they are now armed with enough ammunition to: (i) Tell others about it. So, you will probably hear things from others that they heard from these people, and (ii) Continue to interfere in your life even in the future (by using the information they extracted during their previous visits).
- The biggest “alarm” that you should heed regarding nosy troublemakers, is your own gut instinct. Yes, that creepy feeling you get every time these people call or announce that they are coming to visit. If their imminent arrival makes your guard go up, or makes you outright freak out with worry and tension, remember! –> Islam gives you the right to not only turn them away from your homes without giving a reason for it, but also to limit the type and frequency of your contact with such people.
I would go as far as to say that if you have witnessed repeated evidence of the detrimental effects of envy (حسد), the eye (نظر), or marital discord between you and your spouse (نشوز) as a result of their visits, then you should use your Islamic right to safeguard yourself and your family from the evil (شر) of such troublemakers.
Also, it is important to consistently advise such people politely in the hope that perhaps, some day, they will take heed and start to keep themselves busy by getting an occupation besides inquiring about other people’s affairs.
The contemporary correlation of social prestige and “honor” with the size of the home
I find it quite interesting that even during the lifetime of Abdullah Ibn Abbas (رَضِىَ اللهُ عَنه), people had begun to associate honor with the size of the house, as is proven by a narration of his that I have quoted above. How consistent human nature stays despite the passage of centuries, doesn’t it?
Today, the size as well as location of a person’s or family’s home often becomes the prime factor in determining the people who will be part of their social circle. Even close, biological relatives become extra friendly or distant/aloof depending upon one’s ascent or descent on the ladder of this symbol of social prestige.
For example, a family goes through a rough financial time as a test from Allah, and need to relocate to a rather cramped apartment in a “shoddy” part of town. Guess what happens? The relatives who experience an opposite kind of test at the same time, by receiving an increase in provision from Allah and consequently moving to a new, big house in a prestigious neighborhood, promptly drop the former from their list of favorite people, even if the latter are decent and pious people who have done them no harm.
At the same time, old friends and distant relatives who had lost touch with this latter family when they were dwelling in a small apartment, now suddenly start calling them up regularly on the phone, and drop in uninvited for regular visits, taking an (also uninvited) tour of the new palatial home and gushing about how beautiful it is.
When other, distant relatives visit from abroad, suddenly they become eager about staying overnight in this new house, whereas in the past, they didn’t even want to drop by for a few hours.They’ll gawk at the air conditioners and the chandeliers; they’ll count the number and brands of the cars in the driveway, and praise the size of the automatic washing machine. It is so, so sad, yet true. I have seen it happen.
It is amazing how many “friends” one “buys” when one moves into a larger house. It almost seems like a part of the deal: “Buy a big house, and get 200+ new ‘friends’/guests absolutely free“!
Only, they are not sincere friends, or even “friends” for that matter. They are only turning up with smiles and hugs because now you have something that they like; something that makes it socially “honorable” for them to be seen mingling with you.
Plus, the size of your house makes them assume that your wallet is loaded too; and who doesn’t like money? Who nowadays doesn’t like keeping good terms with people who might come in good “use” on some rainy day?
Whether its for their money, social connections, corporate influence, political authority or economic power in society, its true that, like bees to honey; like dry leaves riding the wind: most of the upper crust’s social circle comprises of insincere, fickle, characterless and avaricious people, who go where ever their pursuit of “the moolah” takes them.
One last thing about “Open Houses”
There are people in every extended family who are more welcoming, accommodating and servile than the rest. Their nature is such that they love nothing more than to have someone come over and stay at their home. They eagerly look forward to receiving visitors and hosting them. Every family has at least one such home that they can easily identify, in which the whole clan gathers often, e.g. for a huge dinner on Eid and other occasions.
Such people will, insha’Allah, earn huge rewards for their hospitality, as long as none of the laws or commands of Allah are violated in their homes during their hosting and entertaining of guests.
I’d also like to point out here that Allah’s creation is diverse; some people are more private than others (C’est Moi ;)), so we should alter the nature of our visits and socializing habits according to the hosts’ preferences.
For example, if you like to take something edible (such as a dessert or any other snack) whenever you visit someone’s house, first take into account how they might perceive such a gesture. Some will appreciate the thought, and think nothing of it. They will instantly unpack the dish and put it right there for everyone to partake from.
Others, on the other hand, – especially some ladies who are very passionate about cooking/homemaking – might get offended by this gesture. Don’t be surprised, because I have seen it happen myself. What turns them off is that they think that you think that they do not have good-enough food at home to serve to you.
This kind of “offense” might also be accidentally caused at some homes where you, in all honesty, refuse to eat or drink anything, perhaps because you are too full, or because you just want to sit and talk and spare your hostess the trouble of making refreshments for you. This refusal to partake from what they want to serve you might be taken as a snub; as a gesture of hostility. No kidding!
Another example of an action that can garner either positive or negative reactions, is that of the guest taking off their shoes before entering the hosts’ drawing room/parlor. I have taken them off willingly at some homes only to see that the host got hurt by this action, saying, “Why would we want you to take off your shoes in our home?”
On another occasion, at a party at someone else’ home, I kept my shoes on, naively overlooking the stack of shoes next to the front door and the hostess’ own bare feet. I was politely asked by her to take off my shoes.
Best way out? Just observe your host(s). If he or she is barefoot in their home, take off your shoes too, without being asked. But if they are wearing their slippers inside, keep yours on as well. Simple as that!
So bottom line is, keenly observe your hosts where ever you visit, and note their body language – the signs that indicate their approval or disapproval, which could be very subtle and difficult to detect. Act accordingly so that relationships remain cordial and harmonious.
This ayah of the Quran is not so perplexing now..
As an adult living in her own very private home – a safe haven; a sanctuary of solitude – I cannot even begin to describe how much I appreciate the commands of the Quran, and the rules of social etiquette promulgated and personified by Allah’s Messenger [صلى الله عليه و سلم], regarding home privacy, intermingling, calling on others, and community living.
In a world where most idle (فارغ) adults have little else to do besides meddling in others’ affairs in the name of ‘joining relations’ and ‘concern’, the words of Allah: “وَإِن قِيلَ لَكُمُ ارْجِعُوا فَارْجِعُوا هُوَ أَزْكَى لَكُمْ” provide me solace and reassurance that, even if I ask someone who visits me to “go away”, then – in the eyes of my perfectly just, lawmaking lord – I won’t be wrong in the least – even if the whole world collectively antagonizes me for it!
And “going away” will be purer (أَزْكَى) for their own selves.
Related past articles:
Meeting and Greeting: Keys to Relationship Success | MuslimMatters
How to Deal With Nosy People | HowToDoThings
Sadaf’s Space: From Blog to Books 
Asalaamu Alaikum
I couldn’t relate to your post until I read this. This is why the Muslims do not befriend me. I don’t live in the right neighbourhood. They ask me all the time why I don’t move to their neighbourhood and I tell them we can’t afford it. I still remember when my husband finally got a decent job and the calls and inquiries started. Everyone wanted to figure out if I was now eligible into their club but 8 yrs later and I am still not. With 10 kids its not easy to afford what they have. I am still alone but I guess I know they would never be a real friend anyway. I don’t know how it feels to have uninvited guests. Even invited guests don’t come.
Salaam sister
I too feel the same, My husband works and we get by but have no money for holidays or any extras, We live in a small flat but Alhumdulilah! I have 1 friend that I see occasionally but as long as we are kept on the straight path Insha Allah the rest is just dunya matters! xxx
Salaams S.
I see a lot of “religious” people (or people who think they are religious) say the same thing as you. They don’t have many friends, hardly any actually, like yourself. These people hardly maintain contact with other people, even their well wishers or close friends, and justify their lack of social etiquette by saying stuff like “As long as we are on the straight path” or “as long as Allah is our friend, we are ok” or similar type of sayings.
Man is a social animal and Allah has enjoined upon us to maintain good social relations. We should call each other often, visit each other, and take it upon ourselves to better our financial situation so we can try to do so.
Many times these situations can just be fixed by the wife also getting a job (emulating the many Ansar Companion women who worked to help their husbands economically) but again the housewives are lazy and see fit to remain home, justifying to themselves that they are “following the Sunnah”.
see below reply to your comments
Salaam Alaykum, I need to see some references for the Ansar companion women who worked to help their husbands economically. The vast majority of the wives of the Messengers and the wives of the companions were homemakers and they would do homemaking/housewife activities. I understand Mezba’s mother worked as a teacher and so he promotes women who work professionally but in reality homemaking is the best profession and the closest to dignity and honour. The sunnah is replete with references of the ‘goodness’ of the woman who stays and prays at home and who guards her husband’s home. Let’s say for the sake of debate, we drop the reglious angle and approach it from a secular angle – in south asian culture for hundreds of years it was a sign of nobility and dignity that the man was the sole breadwinner and any man whose wife worked was not looked upon kindly. Furthermore, a significantly high percentage of women who work face sexual harassment and other sorts of nuisance unbefitting of their stature as protected cherubic women.
Salaams. You can use Google for that.
Start with the names Asma bint Abu Bakr (a water carrier and labourer, wife of Az Zubair), Umm Atiyyah (also known as Nusaybah bint Al-Harith – a soldier and nurse), Shifa bint ‘abd Allah (controller of the market in the city of Medina during the time of Umar), Asmā’ bint Yazīd bin as-Sakan al-Ansāriyya (soldier), Khansā’ bint ‘Amr bin ash-Sharīd as-Sulamiyya (poet), Ash-Shifā’ bint ‘AbdAllāh (healer), Umm Mihjan (sweeper and janitor), Umm Sharīk (also known as Ghaziyya bint Jābir – a teacher).
So in effect you are saying these women were not the best of women or had dignity.
Assalaamu Alaykum
I agree with Abu Yusuf. Apart from the ‘religious’ point of view, there is a myriad of negative socio-economic consequences of the mass participation of women in the workforce, such as the depletion of the earning power of men, inflation, low birthrates which, in turn, leads to an inverse relation between the young and the elderly in a society, which causes more problems e.g. no one to care for the elderly, and not enough workers in the economy, which leads to immigration, which leads to…….. I can go on and on.
I discuss these issues in detail on my new blog. Please have a look and feel free to comment, Insha Allah
Assalamualykum,
I felt the need to respond to this comment as I disagree with several points, and perhaps my experiences will provide and alternate perspective to a working Muslim woman. I’m a strong believer of the philosophy that if my intention is pure, then Allah (SWT) will make everything easy for me. I am a woman, with post graduate education in the mathematical sciences, which is something that always came naturally and easily to me (Alhamdulillah). I knew I would never be content with the life of a homemaker, and as a woman who practices hijab, I chose to venture out into the work force here in the US. I have to say, it’s been 2 years since I’ve been working in the corporate world, and it has been one of the most exciting experiences in my life, and Alhamdulillah I have never been sexually harassed or have been made to feel uncomfortable amongst my male colleagues. No one has ever barred me from practicing my faith, yes I can perform salaat in a designated space while I’m at work. I feel the need to point out that if Allah SWT has blessed me with a talent, it was definitely to serve a purpose to not only benefit myself, but to benefit my ummah as a whole. I have had the opportunity to educate my colleagues in my faith, which is a form of dawah as well. It’s too easy to tell a woman, or even young girls, that there is more dignity in being a homemaker, but in my opinion, it is a gross misuse of the potential and talents that many of these women have been blessed with. And in case you’re wondering, I am married, Alhamdulillah, to a very supportive husband.
Masha Allah! 10 children, what a blessing! Don’t worry about material things, your children are your greatest investment, and from which you will reap the most benefit, Insha Allah!
While this article contains many useful information and advice, once more there are lot of extremism in the article that render it null and void. Here are a few of my objections:
“Now, as an adult living in my own home, my focus in searching for life-as-a-Muslim’s “do’s and don’ts” has totally and permanently shifted to Islamic sources …
Culture has paled into insignificance, if not into non-existence…”
You say you want to take everything from Quran and Hadith, and you dislike taking from your culture, but culture is who we are. There is nothing bad with culture as long as it is not contradicting Islam, a point completely ignored by your article. Even the Prophet (peace be upon him) was a product of Arab culture.
“therefore, I am no big fan of our past or present cultural norms, especially those adopted from our Hindu neighbors …”
Now I am not sure whether the Hindu neighbours was just the Pakistani trying to bad mouth India, but there are more Muslims in India than Pakistan. And again, hating another culture (not a fan) just because it is not Muslim is not correct.
If there are some things wrong with other cultures, there’s also a lot of right and good things.
“… which have no endorsement from our perfect religion Islam in the first place.”
Not everything has to have an endorsement of religion. Everything is allowed in Islam of general life unless it’s specifically prohibited.
I have met many Pakistanis who think the Bengali custom of applying the bindi is religious and “Hindu” and therefore haram. What an ignorant view! Just because something is not mentioned in Islam, and is a cultural thing, doesn’t mean it’s bad.
“… I am also specifically talking about women not serving food to non-mahrum men themselves…”
I guess in your view the Prophet (peace be upon him) would not be a good model then, because he had no problem being served food by non-mahrem women, nor did his Companions. This is actually a good example of where YOU have taken something that is cultural and tried to give it a religious flavour.
” … husband possesses the right to bar even those of his wife’s, or his own, relatives from visiting his home, who cause trouble in his marriage or home in any manner ….
but this restriction from visiting can also apply to the husband’s or wife’s own parent(s) …
It is not permissible for (the wife) to let her mother, father, sister, brother, paternal uncle, maternal uncle, paternal aunt or maternal aunt into her husband’s house, if he objects to that …”
This is completely ridiculous.
First of all, the charge that some women become jealous of their daughters’ marriages, and interfere; while it can be true for some specific cases, is not a general rule. Most women are not such – edited. So why should there be a general ruling for individual cases. And is this assertion even supported by any studies or just another whimsical theory of an old mullah?
Second, this runs completely counter to the Prophet (peace be upon him)’s examples of love and mutual respect between the spouses.
What if the son’s mother is an interfering busy body? Can the wife then prohibit her mother-in-law from visiting? If not, why not?
As a woman, why are you so ……edited. Please refrain from accusations and maintain a respectable tone when addressing a sister. – Sadaf
Also, the comment I made above in pointing out the character of some “religious” people to shun social contact is worthwhile to consider here.
1) I think Sadaf made it clear that where islam and culture collide, she picks Islam.
2)When she mentioned hindu culture, she didnt say indian culture so its kind of insignificant if all of india was muslim 🙂 Hindu culture has certain things that are very negative to family life as Islam lays it out. You probably know that better than many people here.
3) No need to pop a vein over the idea of a husband forbidding his wife from mixing too much with her family. Let me give you a REAL life rare example. Let’s be realistic and TRUTHFUL. No one said and especially not Islam that a husband has the right to just go and randomly forbid his wife from seeing his mother. Thats NOT what we are talking about and that would indeed be not respectful in the least. I would think that was rather clear from the article. I think you seem to be reading between the lines your own prejudices or bad experiences with ‘some religious people’
Ok back to real life example, a relative of mine got married, and turned out to have CRAZY inlaws. Im not joking. They would not let their daughter GO. I think if my relative had moved FAR AWAY from them that MAY have saved his marriage. But guess what, when he HAD to move to another state/province in the same country, her family refused to let her go even though he made it CRYSTAL clear he may move in the future. She would be CONSTANTLy texting her family or friends. Im totally not into blaming a woman only when a marriage falls apart but we have to be fair. I saw this case unravel with my own eyes and the girl was out there for sure. I think a big part of it was that she was simply too ‘young’ and not ready to be married.
4)About religous people shunning contact, lets get this straight lol. Yur telling me NON RELIGOUS partiers LOVE TO mix with religous people? Oh really , no they don’t? How come? is it because they find them boring and weird? and their lives so odd and different? well guess what, religious people also have FEELINGS.That tends to be a huge news flash for people who think its OK to bash religious people since they’re like robots anyway eh? They also have their OWN VIEWS and they don’t like chilling with nosy, rude, arrogant people either 🙂 yeh unfortunately non religous people can be rude and arrogant too 🙂 i think in fact it may be a trait shared by all of humanity… 🙂
In my home, we separate genders when socializing. why? because i have no desire to chill with men and also cuz i like to dress up in my own home. I do NOT appreciate people coming and being overly nosy about my family and doing the 21 questions game on me. So yeh if im dealing with THOSE kind of people, heck yeh im gona come across as socially ‘reserved’ or whatever. but do i have a social life? Absolutely 🙂 Allah’s given us some wonderful friends and family. Islam though does take into account people’s different personalities. Some people are more private than others. There’s simply nothign wrong with that. Some people are introverted and others aren’t. No need to push one person’s view of what enough social contact is on to another person. The frame work is defined by Islam. Within that, you can do whatever you want. You can have a party every month or you can have one every three months. No harm done.
Sister Sadaf, You have edited my comment without any reason to do so. The accusations are of your article, and you are hiding behind “being a sister”. If you are willing to put your opinions online and criticize those who hold beliefs separate from yours, you should be open to criticism as well.
I think Sadaf made it clear that where islam and culture collide, she picks Islam.
Not really – the article gives a condescending look towards cultural practices overall, even when there is no clash with Islam.
When she mentioned hindu culture, she didnt say indian culture so its kind of insignificant if all of india was muslim
Lives in Pakistan, talks about Hindu neighbours … you do the math if she was talking about India or not. I find it highly telling that she herself did not bother to reply.
No one said and especially not Islam that a husband has the right to just go and randomly forbid his wife from seeing his mother.
Please read Sadaf’s article above where she quotes “It is not permissible for (the wife) to let her mother, father, sister, brother, paternal uncle, maternal uncle, paternal aunt or maternal aunt into her husband’s house, if he objects to that.”
Following the quote, she says “Please note that this is for extreme cases of necessity only, in which the harmony of an otherwise happy Muslim marriage needs to be safeguarded from the visits of such guests.”
Now you tell me which wife would be happy with her husband after this. All power is given over to the husband.
If a woman is constantly texting her mom etc. and it bothers the husband they should talk it over. If the husband starts instituting bans and whatever, it will never work. Moreover this has no place in Islam.
Yur telling me NON RELIGOUS partiers LOVE TO mix with religous people?
Well this article is written by someone claiming to be religious who does not like mixing at all.
The reason I do not socialise often is because I dont keep well Subhanallah and rightly my Islam keeps me going! Why not rely on Allah!
May Allah grant you ease and permanent, complete shifa from illness and affliction. Ameen.
In my extended family of in-laws, there is a trend of sharing every piece of information, for the sake of conversation. You can call it a form of bonding. There is no nosiness, malice, envy or any negative feelings involved, but everything about oneself or anyone else just HAS to be shared, as this is a habit of everybody’s. I find it quite irritating, because even if you say the most mundane of things, like, “I went to the mall today”, almost everyone will have heard about it by the end of the day. Anything that is uttered or done, is PASSED ON – just for the sake of conversation! Unfortunately, this habit has crept into me as well – my mother-in-law will call, and I will start rattling on about the details of everything, just as she does, just to have a decent conversation.
The first time I did some shopping, my husband found it very unusual that I didn’t want to showcase the stuff to everybody; he found it rather rude, because according to him I didn’t like “sharing things” (again, for the sake of bonding).
Although there is no harm in anyone’s intentions, I just crave a sense of privacy, the freedom from being obligated to “overshare”, and the right to say or do anything without the whole world hearing about it within seconds!
Where is the fine line? (Would love to hear your view)
You have the right to all of these things according to the Quran and sunnah – which collectively form the best guides for living Muslim life, whether as individuals or as a community.
In our “culture”, though, some things are considered “rude”, especially any reluctance to open up our lives and homes completely, not just to close relatives, but to every Tom, Dick and Harry (especially neighbors). Not so in Islam, which attaches a high value to personal privacy and downright denounces unnecessary inquisitiveness and meddling in other people’s affairs.
It is tough to deal with others thinking us to be “rude” and giving us the guilt trip if we do not share with them all the details of our lives that they want us to share. But fact is fact: if Allah is not angry with any of our actions directed at guarding our privacy, and has given us the right to them, then even if our close relatives, especially elders, dislike those actions, they will just have to deal with their negative feelings. Eventually insha’Allah, they will accept our stance, especially if we are not rude or impolite in any way, but just firm in not giving up our Shari’ (Islamic) rights.
i think this idea of sharing anything and everything is sort of rooted in the joint family mentality. its not so common to find this in arab cultures for instance.
A well needed article! This was one of my mom’s key complaints when she lived with her in-laws, she wanted privacy for her and her daughters and wanted to be able to raise them in the way she saw fit. So when we finally got a chance to live as an nuclear family, our house was so not an open house. We had family over at certain times, none of them barged into our bedrooms and yes permission was needed to enter rooms even for mahrums. Alhamdullilah!
I have seen though friends who don’t have this and relatives are always over their house and they could never have the privacy they so desired. This was so bad that when one of my friends got married, she said with excitement “Omg no one comes over this house without calling, and I have so much time now to do what I want to do.” 🙂
When I had my son, I wouldn’t pick up the phone when he was sleeping or when I was sleeping (which was often!) and sometimes the cell phone would be inside the bedroom and the landline would have the ringer off since we had just gotten up from a nap and I missed many calls. Due to this I had some angry aunties tell my mom …”she never picks up her phone!” It’s really sad how we never remember how hectic it is with your firstborn and how you are constantly adjusting to this new role and then for me I knew I had to leave the coolness of my eye to go back to work and I wanted to spend every minute I could with him and didn’t really care for visitors at the time.
Jazakallahu khayir for the article.
Hope you and your family are doing awesome!
Assalamu Alaykum.
وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله
Oh I hear you! Even with subsequent births, the new mother is hardly in the state to be at others’ beck and (phone) call during the first few weeks/months post-birth.
Yet, people complain that she doesn’t answer the phone, or cannot comprehend why she was sleeping at an “odd” time! Its true, what you said, Saba: I also feel that older women forget what it was like for them just after their baby was born.
True they do forget. I hope I don’t forget when I get older. Or better yet I hope I am super busy doing constructive things that I don’t have time to care about such things 🙂
Muslim women are free to earn an income (with their husband’s permission of course) if they can work somewhere..
a) that is not haraam (so no riba driven banks, insurance companies, investment companies or breweries, casinos etc.)
b) hijaab is maintained (the Ansari women definitely did NOT work side by side with non-mahram men for 8 hours a day in enclosed environment (like an office)) and
c) their children are not neglected.
As you can see, if ALL the above criteria are met, there would be hardly any Muslim women working today.
“housewives are lazy and see fit to remain home” –
I can only assume that you have no children, or do not spend any significant time with them at home at a stretch. Just yesterday I was reading a post on facebook by a friend who was ‘back in the office’ which she described as ‘blissful’, after spending a frantic weekend being on ‘mommy-duty 24/7.’
The reality is, many women WANT to work, because they cannot cope with the rigorous demands of looking after small children. Here in South Africa, where domestic labour is very cheap, the (working) Muslim mommies freak out over the three week holiday period in December when their maids go back to their villages, and they, the working Muslim mommies have to clean, feed and deal with their children all by themselves!!
It is working mommies who are lazy and taking the easy way out!
Well said, Basma. 🙂
Its mostly women (mothers) who ask me how I can homeschool my children i.e. spend my whole day mostly at home with the 3 of them, and not go crazy.
Jazakillah khair!
That is really hurtful and a nasty thing to say. I’m a teenager from a religious Muslim family and my mother has worked herself into the ground throughout my life, just for her children’s benefit. Saying that working moms are lazy is horrible. Yes, feeding/cleaning etc is hard, but can you really compare it to doing that as WELL as working? It seems that people think that if you work you’re not taking care of your kids!
Asslam u alaikum, Good article. Again what you pointed out at the end- to each his own. Some people enjoy visits and others are more private. I had a very hustle bustle home and loved it. I enjoyed people to out it short. When moved into a situation where there would be no visitors for days on end, I fell into depression. So everyone I guess is different in thatn sense.
What you rightly pointed out however are the etiquette of visiting ignored in the name of “baytakulufee”. Knowing people who come to stay for days without any prior notice, if this is pointed out to them, they have taken great offence and said that we don’t believe in this takaluf. Sadly many religious people suffer from this trait. One does not know the economic condition of another- what if having someone over for days was just not possible! (because cooking daal everyday would be seen as a sign of being rude or wanting the guests to go away).
Anyhow, lesson derived from every scenario in life- May ALLAH Make us of the giving ones and not the taking ones.(i think the above was more of ramble than concise thoughts but…) Ameen
assalamualaikum, i am kistina, jazakillah khair 🙂 is it possible if i could email this to some of my friends, family, or other ppl? also, if i could email some of the other posts too such as https://sadaffarooqi.com/2006/07/04/this-too-shall-pass/
thank you
وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله
Yes Kistina, you can email them. Please include a link back to the post on this blog in the email. 🙂
Thanks!
awesome article Sadaf. I can imagine this does not go over well with pakistani culture in the LEAST. I have a policy of not attending to the phone if I am busy with my household. And often times people will drill you (i called and called but you didn’t answer). They don’t have the concept of you RETURNING calls. But overtime I think people get used to it.
Salaam Alaykum, another cynical article written by my favorite MM author. Parts of the article made me chuckle and I consider it simply to be female frustration/feline territoriality. It’s important to actually examine the corpus of sunnah and see how our Rasool (SAWS) practiced/implemented the ayaat. The Arabs were and are the most hospitable of people. They seldom turn people away from the door. When they had one plate of food, they would serve it to the guests and pretend to be eating while their own plates were empty. Beautiful hospitality! Look at our father Ibrahim and how he slaughtered and roasted an entire animal for the two men (angels) who visited him and they were strangers to him! Men are just more generous by nature and women tend to be more selfish and worried about their security and sweat over trivial minutae. Regarding the author’s comment: “It now becomes inappropriate even for grownup sons/brothers/nephews to enter upon their mother, sister or aunt when she is lying down in a manner that reveals the shape of her lower body etc” – I am not sure what this really means…why lower body and not upper body? Why can’t I enter upon my mother while she is in repose? There is nothing wrong with that if she has no objection and hardly any mother opposes her son entering upon her while she is lying in repose. In fact her heart gladdens to see her son. I am aghast by the author’s promotion of electronic media to stay in touch in lieu of face to face visits – this is her personal preference, not a religious dictum by any means. I was also surprised that the author knew about reality shows – I was under the impression that she does not watch TV or get exposed to these things (I have a very high opinion of the innocence of hijabi Muslim women abroad I suppose, though in the USA the hijabi sisters are typically those that have worn it after men have looted their treasures in lascivious encounters). I was very happy to see the author quoting my favorite scholar of the past century (Shaykh ibn Uthaymeen) although her commentary on his words fell way off the mark. She used his words that were specific to a husband’s right of refusal to the wife’s mother to mean that the son can also bar his own mother. This is simply not true. Mama’s boys may be a reviled concept in the west but in Islam, that’s what gets the men in Jannah. According to authentic sunnah, the parents of the son own him and his wealth, so they have every right to come and take from his wealth/house whatever they need for their living. This does not apply to the husband’s mother-in-law but only the husband’s mother/father – as much as daughters-in-law may hate this authentic sunni concept. As far as pesky, truculent, intrusive relatives whom the author wishes to turn away – may I suggest that if she hears them knock and she truly does not wish to receive them, she can go to the bathroom immediately or start praying so that when they ask later, “where were you” she can reply with aplomb “I was praying / I was in the bathroom”. The article actually had several topics and each sub topic could have been an article in and of itself and I hope the author shall expound upon them in due time. Finally, my favorite part of the article was learning that Abdullah bin Mas’ood would clear his throat and spit before entering upon the household. I will start practicing this spitting immediately. I loved learning this new tidbit. I spit usually when playing soccer or brushing, but this is a nice avenue to do it – and I would do it with pride no matter how uncouth people would deem it to be.
@ PG Sister
Muslim women are free to earn an income (with their husband’s permission of course) if they can work somewhere..
a) that is not haraam (so no riba driven banks, insurance companies, investment companies or breweries, casinos etc.) – May I ask where you are working with your advanced mathematics degree?
b) hijaab is maintained (the Ansari women definitely did NOT work side by side with non-mahram men for 8 hours a day in enclosed environment (like an office)) – hijaab means ‘segregation’ not ‘a piece of cloth on my head’; talking and interacting with ‘male colleagues’ is not hijaab
and
c) their children are not neglected. – I assume you don’t have children (yet). Will you continue working after having children?
I have been married for four years and used to live with my inlaws. My husband and I love each other, but almost got divorced several times because of interference from his parents. When we moved out because of the physical and verbal abuse I was getting every day, and in my pregnancy from myMIL, they made him feel really guilty. Their habit has always been to create trouble and make our lives harder so the marriage falls apart. For instance, takingmy own car away from me a couple years back so I could not go visit my dad for his surgery in a different town, where my parents live. I had t take the bus at 1am and stayed up 48h because of what happened after. When my son was born, she said she would not come to our house until my mom, who had come to help me was kicked out. My husband had nothing against my mother, but started resenting her 3 day long stay, so she left by herself. Still on a good note with my husband. My husband was studying for his exams, so I was left to cook for guests, clean, and stay up to take care of our son all by myself. I was so stressed and sick that I could not even successfully nurse my baby. My mother in law has said several times she did not want this baby. One time she accused that our son is not my husband’s. Never helped us with anything we need for him, to the point that she did not even take a day off work when he was born. She almost got us divorced in the labour room because I wanted privacy to feed my son and she thought I had insulted her by asking her to wait 10min before coming in.
Long story short, we moved to a different city because of my husband’s work. Despite repeated tries from my husband, they did not come to visit us for six months. We drove 2.5 h back and forth every two weeks so they could see their very beloved grandchild, about whom my mother in law says should be left together with me with a divorce. She is on psychiatric medication, has anger management issues, has threatened to kill me and my husband repeayedly, sometimes hears voices, and my husband has seen her playing with a knife in aggressive gestures. She knows I don’t trust my son’s safety with her, so she does things that would make me anxious and not let me sleep t night. For instance, come over for an overnight stay without telling us in advance and demanding to sleep in my son’s room.
We have asked them several times to let us know a week or two in advance if they want to come over and the time as well, but they intentionally surprise us. Because of the trouble this creates (for instance, me not being able to prepare a presentation for work) and the fights that we have after they leave, I asked my husband to have firm boundaries with regard to these visits’ timings and overnight stays. He knows his parents mean trouble, and interfere constantly in even little things, like why we bought new pots. But he has trouble asserting himself, and they take advantage of this big time. Four days ago, we almost got divorced again when they decided to show up with other extended family on two-day notice when I was away from home because of work. (Their new demand in visiting my house is that they will only come when I am not there). My MIL’s sister slept in my bedroom without my knowledge or consent. My MIL did that once as well.
I am sick of failing several tests, doing badly on presentations, and having palpitations because her face always reminds me of the suffering and abuse I went through. Is it my right to not let them in my house unless they respect the boundaries we have set? There re no other issues in our marriage!
I know Sadaf has sighted something that says a husband can prevent trouble makers from coming to the house, but can a wife do that as well? Pleade cite sources. I don’t want to be a cause for my husband to be undutiful to his parents. Even under these conditions, we will pay for their stay at a hotel, and the beloved grandson, who they would rather get rid of ASAP, will be visiting them monthly from a city 2.5h away. Note that in the past they have prevented me from coming to their house, just to bother me because they wanted to make me suffer by taking my 1 month old son away from me for several hours. Please advise ASAP. I have a big exam coming up.
[…] I would encourage you to go and read this article which has inspired the title of this post and from which I have taken some of the material. It goes […]
I can imagine this post gets a lot of online hits. I myself have come to it several times in several years. It is very reassuring. Sadly when guests are invited by others and you cannot enforce reasonable boundaries, the only option (short term at least) is patience
My working parents constantly invite people which takes up lots of family time, ruins collective meals and leaves the whole house with chores undone. I also cannot have proper time to talk about things like marriage and am left to do everything alone. If I want to talk to them I have to do it fast and rushed before something makes them busy or someone phones or visits. I have also moved out which is sad when those guests were only there to waste time
May Allah grant you ease and decree what is best for you, brother. Aameen.