Harsh Truths From the Parenting World

When I became a parent, I was 26.5 years old and not very wise. Sure, I had 2 degrees (a Bachelors and Masters) from 2 of the best private universities in Karachi (I am not trying to brag here….you know that I attach hardly any value to these degrees now. But I am just trying to prove a point, that education does not equal being world-wise, street-smart, skillful, or having beneficial knowledge).

At that age, I took people’s statements and the reality of their character at face-value i.e. whatever they pretended to be, I’d believe to be the fact. By nature, I am not cunning at all, and that compounded the problem for me: I was easy bait for charlatans, con artists, hypocrites, and selfish “users” who just wanted to squeeze some benefit out of me.

Nevertheless, the problem of being at risk of these users was not that great for me back then, because I was not very monetarily resourceful. At the most, they could use my company, my image (“Sadaf! Oh since you look so decent and are an A-grader, come stand with me over here, as my parents have just arrived to pick me up, and if they see me with you, they will not suspect that I was just making out in the shadows with my sleazy boyfriend, who has spinelessly slunk away at the first sight of them!”), my talents (e.g. writing, baking, cooking, driving a car), or my services.

And oh, how they did.

As the years added up, though, and I approached middle age, people’s efforts to use me for personal gain, gained momentum. This was – I now realize – because I was not just becoming more resourceful, but also because my influence and what is now known as my “social power”, was increasing.

So it was becoming more and more ‘useful’ for them to be associated with me. 

Thankfully, in order to protect me, Allah made my perceptions of people’s facade vs reality become much clearer to me, as the truth about people’s actual intentions began to dawn upon me.

It was at this point that I began to distance myself from all those spheres of people who attempted to use me for their personal gain. Even if it involved lots of ego-stroking, exaggerated praise, and ‘free’ meals (you’d be surprised), at the end of the day, using someone is just that: using. Getting the benefit that you want (usually one that is long-term, or life-changing) out of them, and then promptly turning your back.

It was not long before I simply had no time or energy left to be used by these people. I’d pray for them and for their problems to be solved; for their dua’s to be answered; but, to give them hours of my company? No.

It became more complicated after marriage and motherhood.

That was when the bombs began to drop.

Abominable Realities I Countered with Denial

As I grew older, I observed many, many people whom I had known for quite some time, become parents along the way. As I traversed my parenting journey, and so did they, reality and truth in all its bare-bones harshness, began to unveil itself to me.

Slowly but surely, the barriers of make-believe and pretense dropped and the ugly truth (sometimes a very ugly one) shone through brightly, like the sunshine after a dark storm.

So blinding was its light, that there was no way left for me to remain in denial anymore: I began to realize that, despite my reluctance to admit it, glaring facts proved that some people were just downright vile. And the reason why I suddenly saw this, and had not seen it before, was because of the way they – now having become parents, like I said – were treating their innocent little children.

It is at this point that I would like to make an earnest and heartfelt appeal to all the scholars, mufti’s, teachers, speakers, ‘shuyookh’, ustadh’s and da’wah activists (be they male or female) of the worldwide Muslim ummah out there:

You need to direly change the way that you advise any Muslim, young or old, male or female, about their parents.

Please, please, PLEASE stop sticking to outdated and cliched phrases, statements and myths about parents, because many of them no longer hold true.

Mothers, Too, Are Fallible Human Beings

As a mother who has successfully given birth thrice (once via C-section, and twice normally); as a woman who was once a young single girl, a daughter and sister, then a wife, a daughter-in-law, and subsequently an aunt…..I implore all of you, but especially the men who occupy positions of scholarship and authority: please do NOT overrate the status of mothers in Islam to that of a demigod, or someone who is almost in an other-worldly sense a paragon of utmost virtue, unconditional love, unending selflessness, and unabated devotion towards her children.

Mothers are just that: fallible human beings with (almost glaring) imperfections.

You being men, do not know what it is like to give birth, yes.

Agreed.

But you also do not know the many vile and manipulative tactics that many, many mothers defiantly and deliberately use to exploit, subjugate, oppress, mistreat and torture their children.

While many of you are out earning livelihoods (which is your praiseworthy duty, I know), your wives, mothers, and other female relatives get the chance to wreak absolute havoc in your children‘s lives, all the while making sure that you don’t even know what is happening. At best, if you inquire or try to investigate, they ensure that you get to hear of, and see, a version of events that has been deliberately misconstrued to suit their interests.

Many a time, you have no idea how you are ‘being played’ by your mothers, sisters, and wives, until maybe decades have passed, and your adult children have drifted so far away from you, that you do not even know why they don’t talk to you anymore.

As a Muslim woman who is a mother, I say to you: give Muslim mothers the status that they deserve, but do not undermine the graveness of the justified complains of any mentally anguished young man or woman (much less gaslight them), who approaches you for advice regarding how his or her evil-doing, misguided mother (or grandmother, or aunt, or sister, or all of them combined, as a team) is destroying their mental health, ruining their lives, and/or turning all of their immediate family members against them.

I personally know of mothers who successfully conspired with close relatives to permanently evict one or more of their own young-adult children from their homes; mothers who forbade one or more of their adult children from visiting their home ever, after moving out; mothers who deliberately aborted one or more of their fetuses without a valid excuse, then defiantly told others about it, as if it was a non-issue; mothers who visited a soothsayer to have witchcraft (sihr or ‘jadoo’) performed on one of their adult children, in order to make the latter submit to their will regarding marriage; and finally, mothers who tried to kill one or more of their unborn grandchildren, simply because the latter were girls.

When the victims of these crimes (and yes, please do call them crimes) committed by such sane, socially powerful, and financially empowered mothers take their complains to imam’s and mufti’s about what their mothers are doing to them, instead of sympathy and compassion, they receive responses of incredulity and denial.

Some scholars even go so far as to say in response: “We cannot imagine that a mother could ever possibly do such a thing to her own child. Mothers love their children unconditionally.”

And my answer to that – as a mother, myself – is that YES THEY CAN and THEY DO.

Many, many mothers – in their right minds and with full defiance – DO such horrible things to their own offspring!

If the love of mothers was so unconditional, then I ask you, why would the two verses quoted below, be present in the Qur’an?

قُلْ تَعَالَوْاْ أَتْلُ مَا حَرَّمَ رَبُّكُمْ عَلَيْكُمْ أَلاَّ تُشْرِكُواْ بِهِ شَيْئًا وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا وَلاَ تَقْتُلُواْ أَوْلاَدَكُم مِّنْ إمْلاَقٍ نَّحْنُ نَرْزُقُكُمْ وَإِيَّاهُمْ وَلاَ تَقْرَبُواْ الْفَوَاحِشَ مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا وَمَا بَطَنَ وَلاَ تَقْتُلُواْ النَّفْسَ الَّتِي حَرَّمَ اللّهُ إِلاَّ بِالْحَقِّ ذَلِكُمْ وَصَّاكُمْ بِهِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَعْقِلُونَ

“Say, O Prophet, “Come! Let me recite to you what your Lord has forbidden to you: do not associate others with Him in worship. Honor your parents. Do not kill your children for fear of poverty. We provide for you and for them. Do not come near indecencies, openly or secretly. Do not take a human life—made sacred by Allah—except with legal right. This is what He has commanded you, so perhaps you will understand.”” [6:151]

وَلاَ تَقْتُلُواْ أَوْلادَكُمْ خَشْيَةَ إِمْلاقٍ نَّحْنُ نَرْزُقُهُمْ وَإِيَّاكُم إنَّ قَتْلَهُمْ كَانَ خِطْءًا كَبِيرًا

“Do not kill your children for fear of poverty. We provide for them and for you. Surely killing them is a heinous sin.” [17:31]

I have a question to ask all those leaders and influential scholars of the Muslims who refuse to acknowledge the fact that many parents, including mothers, do not unconditionally love their children: why would Allah exhort the prohibition, not once but twice, in His Divine writ – the Qur’an – of parents killing their children?

Why would Allah the most Wise need to expressly prohibit the killing of progeny, if (according to your perception), the love and intentions that all parents (and Muslim parents at that) possess for their offspring, is nothing but pure, good, selfless, and sincere?

Kindly note that while Allah exhorts Muslims time and again, in the Qur’an and ahadith scripture, to honor their parents, and prohibits them from mistreating, hurting or harming the latter in any way, He never expressly forbids them from killing their own parents.

And yet, He forbids parents from killing their own offspring. Not in one verse of the Qur’an, but in two, and in one of these Qur’anic verses, the prohibition of killing children out of fear of poverty is mentioned right after the prohibition of the greatest sin, shirk, and the command (ironically) to honor parents.

That is how important this prohibition is.

Is this not an interesting point to ponder upon?

It is true, long before modern abortion methods even came into existence, newborn babies were being thrown into wells, dumpsters, rivers and graves, right after they were born.

Many a time, it was not just the fear of poverty that was the factor behind these clandestine murders, but also the fear of public humiliation and/or the marring of the family name due to the scandal that the pregnancy and birth were expected to cause, i.e. to wipe out the ‘evidence’ of forbidden sexual relations (adultery). Many a time in history, newborn infants were also killed to prevent the family lineage (bloodline) from being mixed with (‘tarnished’ by) ‘unworthy’ and ‘lowly’ blood.

And, as the Qur’an itself mentions, when Pharaoh was ruling as a king, he issued the royal decree of the newborn male babies of Bani Israil to be ritualistically slaughtered every other year, in order to try to avert from himself the event of a foretold prophecy that he would be dethroned from his rule by one of those same male babies who would be born inside his dominion in the lineage of the Bani Israel.

So, yes, historically and today, the event of childbirth is not an easy responsibility. For many, it implies the imminence and inevitability of averse physical, economical, social, career-related and even psychological repercussions.

Many people are not prepared at all, or willing, to become parents, when Allah throws parenthood their way.

And yet, eventually things, slowly but surely, always seem to work out for the better, once the child arrives.

Possibly Some (or One) of the Sad Reasons Behind Why You Were Born

1. You were merely a ‘statistic’. One of your aunts (biological, in-law, or figurative) was pregnant with baby number ___ (insert a number that is greater than the number of children that your parents had at that time) and your mother (or father) felt inadequate and lesser-off in comparison to her. Hence, you had to be borne in order to make your parent(s) feel better about themselves (especially in front of the tut-tutting ‘Pakistani aunty’ brigade, who constantly hovered over their heads to tell castigate them about how many children they should be having). Enough said.
2. You were unwanted. If we could remove all those people from the world’s population that were part of the category of “Oops, how did that happen?” babies, we’d hardly be left with perhaps even half the world population today. No exaggeration. A life that Allah has decreed to be, no one but He can terminate, nor stop from coming into existence and consuming its full, preordained provision, before He wills for it to demise. Period.
3. Your parents had to keep going until they had at least ____ child(ren) who was/were ____ (insert a number in the first blank, and a gender in the second). They had goals related to family, business, inheritance, and cultural tradition, long before you were even a blood-clot in your mother’s womb. You were merely an empty check-box that had to be checked in order to achieve one or more of these goals. Many a time, they (as fertile youngsters) had no say or will either, in how many times they had to endure the state of pregnancy and childbirth. They, too, were often left with no choice by their elders.
4. After you were born, it is possible that you were left (intentionally) to the dogs. Harshly put, yes, but this is a reality for many, many families, especially those hailing from historically poor/slave races and tribes, as I have already pointed out, or those that suffer from many moral and spiritual ailments. It was enough for your guardians that they fed, clothed, and educated you at the bare minimum level, until they possibly could (in their own estimation). Come puberty, and they thought that their responsibilities regarding you were, by and large, over. So they either threw you out on the street, or made your life such a hell that you ran off yourself.

Just look at the early life circumstances of any rightfully convicted criminal who is serving a life sentence in jail, or who was executed in the past, and you will probably be able to trace the root causes of their crimes to morbid circumstances and events that occurred during their childhoods.

Parenting and raising a child is not an easy or light matter, or one without long-term, often generations-spanning ‘ripple’ effects. It is a direct responsibility from Allah, which He places on our shoulders, with or without our will and consent.

Yet, and this is my basic point, really, even if I have received many an eye-roll, if not an outright scowl and accompanying taunt from other parents, multiple times, for it – many, many parents tend to take the gravity of the effects of their children’s early childhood, very lightly.

Sadaf is too obsessed with her Islamic parenting responsibilities and how it will affect her children’s future lives. Even cows give birth to offspring, for God’s sake. Get over it. Big deal. Motherhood should be taken lightly. It is – at the end of the day – Allah Who raises our kids, not us. So if I employ maids, drivers, nannies and tutors to outsource or delegate my moral duties as a parent to someone else, so that I can go out and live life on my own whims all day, I am convinced that Allah will bring righteousness back into my own children, even if they are more inclined towards worldliness than religion during their early lives. I firmly believe this.

I have socially distanced myself from all those of my past contacts and circles of acquaintanceship who chose to adopt the above mentality. Like I said already, it was when I became a mother for the first time, that the intentions, mindsets, and attitudes of many if not most of the people that I had known in life until then, began to dawn upon me.

The advice they gave me regarding how to raise my children. The attitude they gave me when they saw me making parenting choices that they had never had the guts to make. The verbal and texted vitriol they dumped on me when they saw me taking a stand for beliefs and values that they did not share, let alone endorse. The hate and envy they directed my way when they saw how my children were turning out, as compared to theirs (in their competitive, constantly-comparing eyes), who had happened to be born around the same time as mine.

And finally, the way they began to avoid me (in person) at all costs, whenever our paths happened to cross, despite my own efforts at toxicity-diminishing distancing from them, in order to save face.

What did they expect? That if we met in person, I would gloat arrogantly and puff up with pride, rubbing my supposed parenting “victory” in their faces, in the same disgusting way that they had belittled me and put down my early-parenting choices and sacrifices, convinced that I would fail, miserably and humiliatingly, in my quest to drag my children along with me, as I charged forward gung-ho to commit “social suicide”?

Is that what parenting and educating our children was all about, my sisters and brothers?

Were we merely competing as parents too, like some sorry little envy-ridden rivals, all along? Was having children and becoming a parent, for you, also all about just you?

Which one of us has the more children; whose children turn out more religious; who has amassed the higher number of the tell-tale hallmarks of prestige and social status; whose family is more wealthy; who is praised and admired more in mutual social circles? Who has more social media followers; who has more students in their classes; who has more subscribers; who has the larger WhatsApp group; whose children have more siblings; who runs the better-performing business …. the list is endless.

As is the sorriness and smallness of our parenting mindsets and visions.

Is parenting our children yet ANOTHER endeavor to just compete, hate, envy, and outdo (and not necessarily in that order), just like we did back in school?

What are we? Conscientious parents?

Or are we still little children ourselves?

Poverty Mindset vs Abundance Mindset

At this point, I would like to encourage all my readers to brush up their knowledge of the two mindsets I have mentioned in the sub-heading above, even though I have already elaborated upon these in my previous writings.

This is very important, because what one thinks and believes, eventually becomes part of one’s destiny, including the legacy (or lack thereof) that you leave behind in this world when you die.

You see, it is easy to practice Islam on a basic, ritualistic level. But when you ponder deeply upon the meanings of the verses of the Qur’an, over time, Allah opens up a world of enlightening insights to you, which lets you gain knowledge of the reality of life that is rare and not-so-apparent to the eye that is blinded by the deceptive camouflage of the life of this world.

One of these is what is known in modern self-help terminology as the “law of attraction” among people. It is a very interesting (and often heavily debated) concept, but one that ties in, in my opinion, with the hadith quoted below:

As it says in the hadith recorded by Al-Bukhari with an incomplete chain of narrators from `A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her), the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:

 الْأَرْوَاحُ جُنُودٌ مُجَنَّدَةٌ، فَمَا تَعَارَفَ مِنْهَا ائْتَلَفَ وَمَا تَنَاكَرَ مِنْهَا اخْتَلَف

“Souls are like recruited soldiers. Those that recognize one another will come together, and those that do not recognize one another, will turn away from each another”.

Muslim also recorded this in his Sahih from the hadith of Suhayl from his father, from Abu Hurairah, from the Messenger of Allah. People say that similar qualities or characteristics are what bring people together.

[Source: Tafsir ibn Kathir]

According to the basic definition of the “law of attraction” quoted in Forbes, “positive thoughts may bring positive results into a person’s life, while negative thoughts bring the opposite.”

In my experience, the message of the Qur’an and the events that happened in the lives of Allah’s Prophets, both, corroborate this modern concept of “the law of attraction”, to a great extent.

For example, when someone begins to believe in the truth, and then, during one of the trials thrown their way by Allah as a result of their new faith, they conjure up the courage to take a stand for upholding truth and justice for the sake of Allah, they are automatically repelled by a certain group of people, and attracted by (and to) another group of people.

This is, in modern-day self-help jargon, called a ‘manifestation’ of their positive thoughts and beliefs, into their lives as a practical reality.

The above hadith mentions this very concept, which is why I quoted it at the beginning. At any point in life, and for older people, if they look back at the different phases of their lives, they will notice that they attracted a certain kind of people, and repelled others, based on what they thought, believed, and were going through themselves, at that stage in their life.

For example, if you were going through a sad, depressive stage, you were probably talking more to, and spending more time with, people who were also miserable and sad.

When Allah changed that (perhaps through a positive-minded individual who pulled you out of that abyss, either in-person, through a video, or through their writing), and you became happy and cheerful again, you will notice how you began to shed the company of those people who used to be miserable and depressed all the time, as your own thoughts and mindset changed, and you began to be pulled towards the company of people who were happier, doing something good with their time, and leading more positive lives.

Eventually, Allah brought the company of a certain kind of people, and the occurrence of a certain kind of events, back into your life, both of which ‘happened to be’ upbeat, productive, cheery, morale-boosting, and blessed – both materially and spiritually.

And that is how Allah turned your life around.

Prophet Muhammadﷺ having to flee from Makkah to Madinah to save his life, a historically milestone-forming event that led him to the company of sympathetic and loving people, who supported him selflessly, until he returned to Makkah as a peaceful conqueror.

Prophet Musa accidentally killing a Coptian when he took a stand for justice, leading to his having to flee Egypt towards Madyan, where he ‘happened to’ meet the daughters of, and then, the kind & elderly Prophet Shu’aib [عليهما السلام], which led to his successful marriage and livelihood. Thereafter, he was appointed as a messenger of Allah, and granted the honor of talking to his rabb, bestowed the miracles of the staff and the shining hand, and tasked to return to Egypt to challenge Pharaoh and liberate the Bani Israel.

These are just two examples from the Qur’an and hadith, which I have quoted to try to explain the reality of the modern-day concept of the “law of attraction”.

It is true: what you believe in, and think about, manifests itself in your life as positive (or negative) people and events.

Read up about it and ponder upon it in the light of the Qur’an and Prophetic narrations.

You might be amazed by what you’ll learn & begin to see.

From the Mental Diary of a Poverty-Mindset-Raised Mother

Disclaimer: Satire

I have given birth so many times. I am now a mother – up there high, on a divinely-endorsed moral pedestal. I brought lives into this world. I bore excruciating pain for hours as I labored, then as I pushed, then as I recovered with painful stitches impairing my movement and weakness draining my body. I nursed my babies even though I winced due to pain during latch-on, and compromised on night sleep so that their hunger was satiated.

I know that my pain and sacrifice will never go unrewarded. You see, I am making a major investment for my worldly future by having these children. I need someone to care for me when I am old and weak; that is when my children, who will most definitely be healthy, able adults by then, will come in useful.

This is the primary reason I prefer sons over daughters. Sons do not leave their mothers to join another family. They bring many benefits to their mothers. First, they do that as soon as they are born, by garnering for her instant acceptance and pleasure from her husband and in-laws, for providing them with an heir and a carrier-on of their family name and business. But more importantly, a son comes in very handy later on in life, when he starts to earn money and eventually provides his old parents with a home to live in. And his wife – whom I will choose for him myself – will be there to serve me like a maid, as is her Islamic and moral duty.

So you see, being the good Muslim, fasting, praying, hijab-observing mother that I am, I will make sure that I raise my son with the deep knowledge of those specific Qur’an verses and ahadith that detail and emphasize the greatness of his mother’s rights over him, so that he never forgets who is the most important person in his life.

After all, my provision and care in old age depends on my son(s). That is what I was always told since I was born, as a burden myself. My daughters are, like me, financial burdens, and they will one day leave me permanently, to go join another family (insha’Allah, insha’Allah, insha’Allah, may Allah decree this as soon as possible). Plus, even if they earn money, I cannot take it from them. It is my sons’ salary and savings on which I will always have my rightful due.

I have given birth. Now I am a mother. Therefore, one day, I will rule.

I can scold, rebuke and/or slap my children whenever they dare to refuse me. I am their mother, I have the most rights upon them. So if they dare glare at me, answer me back, shout at me, or disobey me, they will be reminded of my superior rights upon them. I am their mother. How dare they forget that?!

I bore them with pain, and I made sure they got admitted into schools so that strangers could teach them many subjects that I hardly know about. I force them to do their homework, and make them rote-learn for their exams, which is more than enough as my moral duty, because I bore them with pain, and even if they carried me on their shoulders to perform the entire Hajj, they would still not have given the due of even one of those birth-pains that I so excruciatingly endured. I have employed a qualified stranger to teach them the Qur’an, because I do not know enough of the Qur’an, especially its tajweed rules, to teach them myself. In fact, I hardly ever recite the Qur’an aloud, because I know I make too many mistakes. You see, my own mother didn’t know enough Qur’an, so she also employed a teacher to teach me the basics, and never prodded me to recite it regularly, once I was finished with it.

But don’t you dare forget that I am my children’s mother; I bore them with so much pain, so who are you to question my lack of knowledge or involvement in their education? Don’t you remember that hadith that says “Your mother, your mother, your mother”?!

I worry about my daughters. When each of them was born, a weight of disappointment settled on my heart, as I worried about who would provide for them. What? Yes of course, I am Muslim! I pray and fast; why, I even wear a scarf on my head when a man comes knocking at my front door, and I go to open it. What has my being Muslim got to do with my worries about who will provide for my daughters in the future? Just shut up and listen to me as I go off on my oh-so-motherly rant!

My daughters need husbands so that they can move to another home and save us their expenses, because for how long will we provide for them? How long will we worry about their honor and staying safe from the predatory traps of lustful young men? *Sigh* Since their kismet is decreed beforehand, I will say yes to the first family that comes to our home to ask for any one of their hands in marriage, as long as they have enough money.

As for my son, I bore him with so much pain. I stayed up night after night to feed and change him, as he bawled. Everything he is today is because of me: the one person who has the greatest rights upon him. So I will personally seek a wife for him, because she must not be the rebellious kind, who will refuse to live with, or to serve me. She cannot take him away from me! Heck, she cannot even have a say in how he spends or saves his money, without my approval first.

Then I will boast to all my sisters, friends, and social contacts, about how servile and obedient my daughter-in-law is, and how she serves me all day long, without uttering a peep of complain.

After all, after so many long, hard years of toiling to raise my son(s), I have to be repaid in kind, I will make sure of that!

I will then ensure that all my daughters and daughters-in-law give birth to at least 4 children. I will hammer them with my sweet, sincere, oh-so-motherly pressure until they give in. These stupid, weak young girls nowadays cringe and shy away from the responsibilities of motherhood. Too painful, they say. Too great a source of responsibility and accountability before Allah, they say.

“What responsibilities?”, I say to them! Motherhood is not about responsibilities! It is all about social privileges, perks and benefits!

Just look at our generation. We lived for decades in one room at the home of our parents-in-law, yet we kept popping out babies, one after the other. We turned a blind eye to our husbands’ flirting and womanizing, because we knew that as long as we were the mothers of his children, we will always have the socially upper hand, and he will always come back home to us.

Plus, these children would eventually be the best leverage for us – as women – in society, later on in life, when we become old hags/farts/matrons.

At that point, we will have earned the requisite social authority and power to choose which child to use and benefit from, because we – as their mothers – will have the greatest rights upon them all, so we will be able to have our pick at will.

I, for one, will choose my best, most worthy, highest-earning, and most socially-respected son to serve me and benefit me in my old age.

I will make sure of that!

The others can disappear into nothingness, for all I care, especially those burdensome daughters. Hmph. My work with them was done when they grew up and were married off.

Now it is all about reaping the benefits of being a mother to my son(s).

What’s wrong? Why are you staring at me like that? I have not said anything wrong!

How dare you judge me for what I have just said? Every word that I have said is true! How could I be wrong?

Me? Be wrong? NEVER! I am a MOTHERRRRRRRRRR!

The Difference Between Exploitation & Collaboration

Coming back to the topic of slavery and the act of ‘using’ other human beings for one’s services and servitude.

I know that human relationships are all about mutual give-and-take. Every relationship, that is why, comes with both rights and responsibilities. This is the reality of the life of this world, as decreed by Allah.

I am not advocating laziness or self-absorbed, isolated living here. Charity and welfare are also praiseworthy avenues for earning good deeds, because they ensure that less fortunate are helped out.

What I have beef with, and quite severely at that, is the deliberate, defiant and intentional using, manipulating and outright exploiting of someone who harbors good intentions, a sincere heart, a set of naturally-endowed gifts and talents, and the humility-inspired willingness to work hard to benefit humanity.

If that person is young and poor, and hails from a race that has been historically enslaved or ruled over by other (supposedly socially “superior” races), then they have a very high chance of being exploited, manipulated, oppressed, and abused.

This is the issue that I have tremendous beef with. Because I hail from a race (Pakistani) that has been historically ruled by the British (white people) for decades. The race that I hail from is also naturally talented and gifted in many spheres, masha’Allah, something which the world is beginning to increasingly notice now, thanks to the combination of globalization and technology.

However, as I said at the start, it is our still-deeply-entrenched poverty mindset that causes us to face some chronic problems and obstacles, which impede our own progress and growth:

• We are a struggling, developing, by-and-large poor country.
• We are a race that looks up to the white peoples (their countries, their economies, their beliefs, and their social habits), and looks down upon the (so-called) “blacks”. NOT GOING TO LIE. It is the truth (one that I abhor). Fair & Lovely ‘beauty’ cream be damned!
• We have a chronic habit of begging – individually and communally. So, if we suffer any kind of calamity or loss, we exhibit an overpowering, unshakable sense of entitlement that someone else has to come & help us to get out of it, while we sit on our backsides whining about it, and twiddling our thumbs.
• We lie, steal, cheat and con others, out of greed. This is because of our having suffered decades, if not centuries, of poverty, slavery, and often, abuse.
• We do not value our offspring (as I have already elaborated above), even if they keep popping out of us to generate population numbers that stagger the gora’s (white people).
• We raise our children to value money and wealth over everything else – even over humaneness, sincerity, integrity, Islamic faith, and kinship.
• Because of our ingrained values, poverty mindset, entitled attitude, and chronic greed, we believe that all others behave and act in the same way as we do. We believe that they will do unto us, as we intend to do unto them. So we have issues with trust. e.g. we assume that if we do not keep an eye on someone, they will steal from us, or con us. We assume that anyone who signs a contract with us, will cheat us and not uphold its conditions. We assume that if someone commits to do some work for us, they will slack off and not deliver, unless we stand on their heads like overbearing hawks, keeping a stern eye upon them as they work.

Because of the sad realities that I have attempted to detail above, regarding the race that I hail from, I have become increasingly frustrated and isolated. Here is why:

The world is becoming increasingly open to cultural, ethnic and religious diversity and inclusion, starting from children’s schools, to higher academic institutions of learning, to families (immigration, marriage, home ownership), to the workplace.

As a by-product of this trend, and as a direct result of increasing remote work, Pakistani’s (just like all other races) are being increasingly represented and recognized on a global scale. Nevertheless, no matter how diverse a group might be, each member still has an identity, viz. a race, surname, and hometown (place of birth) as an unshakeable, lifelong identifier, and Pakistan is part of this identity – especially for someone like me, who has zilch interest in relocation or immigration.

The problem, if I may call it that, starts for me right there.

This was never an issue before. It all changed when I changed. And when  my unschooled children started to grow up.

Sigh.

Now, whenever I interact with someone local who is a stranger, for the first time, they assume that I will harbor the same negative traits that are (sadly) found in many if not most of the people of my race, which I have listed above.

And whenever I first interact with someone from abroad, or who also hails from another race, they too assume that – because I am a Pakistani who lives in Pakistan – I will display the same negative traits that they have (sadly) had to endure in their personal experiences and interactions with most Pakistani’s.

That is their initial perception. And it causes me and my family much chagrin. Because they assume that about us which is not true.

Grudgingly, we accept their suspicions and their defensive passive-aggression. Then, once they have interacted with us repeatedly over a period of time, we encounter an entirely new scenario.

A complete turnaround, you might say.

The situation by then has become so ironic, that after those few interactions with us, these same people (local or abroad) ask us pointedly (individually, or when we are present as a family), where we are from.

As before, we say “Pakistan”, which is the truth.

But they refuse to believe it.

After having interacted with us over time, and having keenly observed how we behave, what we do, and the nature of our dealings with them, they have a hard time digesting that we can be from Pakistan i.e. be born and bred here, and having lived here all of our lives.

They keep asking us, “No, but where did you come to Pakistan from? Originally?”

Unless my living in Canada for a full 3 months in the year 2004 qualifies as “coming from abroad”…..

Sigh.

Awkwardness.

Business Collaborations & Islamic Work

Over here, I want to point out that if the intentions are good and sincere, then for two people or parties to join forces and come together for the accomplishment of a mutual benefit is not inherently wrong, in and of itself.

Modern-day business collaborations, for example, are just that: two businesses joining forces to increase their combined reach, and to reap higher benefits for themselves, individually, by working together.

Such as, when a celebrity endorses a business’ product in return for payment: the business gives them, their image, and their mass popularity a boost by featuring them in their ad campaigns (not to mention, pay them heftily for it), and the celebrity’s fame and product endorsement generates worldwide brand recognition and exponentially increasing sales for the said business.

Win-win, eh?

Once again, like I said, it is the intentions behind this business collaboration that matter. If the celebrity does not use that particular product at all, or uses it but does not like it, yet publicly endorses it anyway, as part of the co-signed business deal, in return for the benefits that this endorsement will bring, then in reality (from the Islamic perspective), this business collaboration will not be halal or blessed for them, since they are, at the bottom of it, just lying to the world about the product by endorsing it.

Allah knows best.

Should Islamic Initiatives be Treated as Businesses?

A recurring thought has been increasingly troubling me since the past few years. In particular, since the explosion of online (digital) content, and how Islamic activists and organizations have begun to use it for self-promotion.

I mean, how and where does one draw the line when applying modern-day business marketing/advertising strategies and ideas to the promotion of Islam, and to any effort related to it?

Should one promote one’s Islamic organization and efforts?

If so, how aggressively?

Never is this more disconcertingly obvious every year, than in the days, weeks, and months preceding the months of Ramadan and Dhul-Hijjah.

Massive, seemingly bottomless online “begging bowls” seem to appear out of nowhere. They are everywhere online, particularly on social media, in-your-face and upfront, calling for donations (primarily zakah).

Years ago, there was one, often discreet and nondescript “Donate” button located unobtrusively somewhere in a corner of an Islamic website. Begging was done very shyly, as if (rightly) it was something to be ashamed of.

Now? We have extremely (and I do mean extremely) sticky and in-your-face donation-demanding-graphics popping up the moment we open the homepage of the main website, or the social media pages, of an Islamic organization, asking us for money.

Usually, if we tap or click on it, they take us to a page detailing predetermined (and often cheesily-named, viz. bronze, silver, gold, platinum, etc.) tiers, defining the levels of donations that can be given to the organization. The first, minimum level usually starts at $100, the titanium one goes well up into the grands (tens of thousands, for those unacquainted).

Finally, and this one takes the cake, IF you agree to make a donation to this organization, they REFUSE to let you do it anonymously. And I do not mean, anonymously to the world, but anonymous TO THEM. They will demand all your authentic contact details in order to ensure that neither they, nor YOU, ever forget that you donated money to them.

The next thing you know, marketing emails containing more aggressive self-promotion and demands for donations, bombard your inbox for the next decade or so, even IF you exasperatedly unsubscribe again and again.

Seriously?

I know that the legal requirements of online donations, just like all other transactions, require authentication and proof of donors’ identity. So that is fine. However, tenaciously holding on to donors’ personal information in order to continue milking them by using coercive, borderline-manipulative, and downright emotionally blackmailing tactics, is a bad deed that is not in accordance with the spirit of Islam.

So now we have Islamic organizations, da’wah efforts, and welfare initiatives hiring university graduates who have majored in marketing, policy, strategy, social media, customer relationship management, or what not – for jobs that encourage them to apply the modern marketing principles and strategies that they have learnt from secular textbooks and literature, to the promotion, management, and procurement of funds and resources for Islamic organizations.

Where are the religious elders, who should be guiding them, in the light of the Qur’an and sunnah?

It would be alright to glean wisdom from any source, – be it secular, spiritual, or religious, – and to apply it to the management of an Islamic organization or initiative, but only after filtering and modifying it first, in the light of the authentic guidance of the Qur’an and sunnah.

But to apply modern marketing and promotion techniques to on-the-ground, practical Islamic efforts without filtering them first in the light of the Qur’an is just….. foolhardy folly!

Whether you call it a fundraiser, or an online marketing campaign, or a promotional press release, – at the end of the day, if you are blatantly begging for hefty donations whilst feeling self-entitled, and engaging in vainglorious self-praise for the efforts you are making in the path of Allah, – resorting to judging, condemning, or otherwise making anyone who declines to donate to, or to promote, your cause or initiative, feel bad about themselves or guilty of some sin that they have not committed, then it is you who is making the mistake and needs to reform themselves and their intentions, not them.

It makes me feel uncomfortable and a tad ashamed when I witness the well-intentioned people behind the scenes at Muslim organizations and Islamic daw’ah efforts engage in such aggressive marketing and promotional campaigns that makes it look as if they are desperate to … “sell” Islam.

I shudder at the fact that I am even writing this.

Islamic content, events, courses, literature, learning programs, travels, and retreats can not be lumped into the same category as other, similar efforts and initiatives that are carried out for accomplishing worldly results and goals.

– Inform the public about an Islamic initiative. Do not ‘sell’ it.

– State the results or outcomes of your past efforts. Do not brag.

– Invite people (dignifiedly) to sign up or donate to your initiative. Do not compel or coerce them.

Bad taste in the mouth

Coming back to what I had said at the start: everyone probably wishes, at some point of extreme burnout or fatigue in their lives, that they had a slave.

It would be nice would it not, to have someone serve you, humbly and sincerely, when you are tired? Without expecting anything in return, nor harboring any ulterior motives towards you?

The thing with working at a job or employment at many places is that, many a time an employee is treated just like a slave. This is most common in organizations or employers that do not have adequate and effective accountability and/or complaint-/feedback-processing systems set in place.

So, at any point in the hierarchy, if a worker at a particular tier in hierarchy becomes …… how should I say it?….evil and selfish, and decides to exploit one or more of their subordinates for personal gain, there is no way the latter (who is the victim) can complain about their unjust boss to the higher-ups who possess authority over the former, without losing their job.

Like I said at the start, when I was younger, I was used and exploited many times, not just by peers at school and university, but also the coworkers with whom I worked with, in person and online.

You see, everyone loves a slave. Someone whom we can just order to do something that we want done, and they do it – no questions asked, no complains squeaked, no stone left unturned, no errors committed. Even if they do not want to do it. Even if it is late at night. Even if they are very sick, or in the middle of something else. Even if you have no valid excuse or reason for not being able to do your own work yourself. You just text or call up the slave, or tell him/her to come over to your home to bail you out.

And they do it. The work – your work – gets done.

And you pass it off to others as your own effort. Without even a mention about who (viz. the slave) helped you get it done.

There were many times when I allowed myself to become that slave for others. And these people who used me, would always have a nice verbal pitch ready, which would manipulate me into taking the bait. Usually it was emotional (whining about how they needed help), or psychological (making me believe that it was my moral or social duty to help them out, as a good deed), or spiritual (how I would earn soooo many extra rewards with Allah by ‘contributing’ my share/input to something that was going to be very meaningful and beneficial to others).

Each time, I took the bait.

To say the least, once they got what they wanted, these people would disappear, until they “needed” me again.

Every such experience left me with a decidedly pungent taste in the mouth.

Or, if literally speaking, at times no taste at all, if you include those instances when something that I was asked to cook or bake for a social gathering, was attacked and finished off by the guests with such ferocity, that I did not even manage to eat a single bite of it myself.

At this age (when I am 45 years old), I think I owe it to the younger generations to share with them whatever I have learnt in my life so far, about being ‘played’ and manipulated unjustly by others. By all means, go out and help others; do good unto people; be caring and giving; contribute to welfare and charity projects and initiatives; but …. do not allow yourself to be used and exploited to the point of burnout.

Below are, in my personal experience, some of the manipulative tactics employed (no pun intended here) by business organizations and employers to keep their corporate “slaves” motivated and energetic enough to get up in the morning every day and come running to work, to do their jobs:

• Overrating the job and the organization. This is done by fancy slogans, logos, annual reports, glitzy events, useless meetings, and ego-stroking jargon that is thrown around often and loudly enough to make the employees so used to hearing the praises of their organization and its work, that they end up believing that they work for the best people in the world, who have the best vision and the best work ethic. They are made to believe that they couldn’t ask for a better place to be in, as an employee.
• Giving employees ego-stroking, prestigious-sounding titles, in return for piling on even more menial work. Every role in the organization comes with a designation (hierarchical rank) and a title. Head of this. Vice president. So-and-so manager. Lead this-and-that. So-and-so specialist. Bottom line is, that you are still a slave. Even if they pin a fancy title on you, the fact is that they have you on a tight leash. Their leash.
• Rewarding hard work with even more work. This is one of the saddest realities of corporate and domestic slavery. When a slave does their job well, what is their reward? Providing them with a slave of their own, who will ease their work from now on? No! They are slapped on with an impressive-sounding, fancier title, moved up the hierarchical tier to boost their ego, given a cursory incremental pay-raise (that they will not ever have the time and energy to enjoy), and provided with a few duds to ‘manage’. Managing younger, inexperienced people is not easy. But in the world of corporate slavery, the word “manager” comes attached with a fake prestige-value. The harsh truth is that, now that you have proved to the higher-ups that you are able to consistently deliver at your job, it is time to make 2 to 5 others (your ‘team’, so to speak, who now “report” to you) work just as hard at their menial jobs as you used to, in addition to you doing your own work as well (which has increased in scope)! Bottom-line: corporate slavery rewards consistent good work with the burden of doing even more work, along with managing younger duds (i.e. making them properly do their jobs, for which, ironically, you are now answerable). The title, tag, and pay-raise are just some salted peanuts thrown your way to smoothen the transition (and to soften the blow whilst boosting your ego).
• Making employees feel as if they are extremely lucky to be part of the organization. Staff meetings with the CEO, founders, board, and/or senior management are chock-full of self-praise and adulation, with the staff attendees being reminded again and again how fortunate and “chosen” they are, that they are part of this awesome group of people who are doing awesome things, and how – if they even think about defying orders, whining about being overworked and undervalued, or leaving, – someone else (who is much better than them, in every way), will be immediately hired to replace them. This is a psychological tactic bordering on emotional blackmail and gaslighting, to ensure that employees fear being dumped by this supposedly awesome, “chosen” group of people. And it works like a charm.
• Over-burdening multi-talented employees with tasks from multiple departments. When I was writing for a few publications (print and online), and when I worked for an Islamic organization, they soon began to realize that I can do more than just the task that I was assigned to do. Anyhow, what happened as a consequence of their other employees not doing their jobs on time, and me always being done way before my deadlines were up, is anybody’s guess: I would be asked to finish off other people’s work. Or these people would sneakily approach me (on the sly, to save face) and ask me, all hush-hush and urgently, to “help” them finish off their work, before the boss found out. Since it was an appeal for help, and since I was a very gullible young ‘fool’, I would oblige. Mind you, when you work for Islamic causes, you are expected to embody the very values and ethics that you are supposed to be propagating. So you are “supposed to” help others out, go the extra mile, be generous and sacrificing with your time, have a good opinion of others (even if they are using you), just do as you are told, never complain, and so on. I would – understandably – often get burnt out. But what absolutely took the cake, for me, was when the founders, owners, or the CEO of these organizations, would eventually try to coerce employees (most of whom were already volunteering i.e. choosing not to be paid any money for their work) to become salespeople or fund-raising activists for the organization. To put it bluntly, they were asked to go and sell copies of the publication to their contacts, or to ask all their contacts (relatives and friends) for donations. But the worst was yet to come. Can you believe it? When these employees began to promote and “sell” the organization and/or its products and services, they were then asked to pay up themselves. Yes, this actually happened: employees who were already contributing huge daily chunks of their time, efforts, physical presence, and energies to the organization (spending daylight hours, 6 days a week to work for them), were told to start donating a fixed amount of money every month to it from their own pockets. This was the final straw (for me). I mean, you take work from me 6 days a week,– fine. You don’t ever offer to pay me money, even after years of consistent hard work,– fine. I know you don’t have the money, so yeah, no issues about that. It is for a good (Islamic) cause. Then you give me others’ (inept slackers’) work to finish off (without any credit),– fine. Then you ask me to promote the organization on my networks, social media, to family members, and on other avenues,– fine. But then you ask me to donate cash – and that, too, a fixed amount every month?
  Seriously? 🤨
  It is not just some of my personal experiences that have been like this. I know of real examples of gainfully employed corporate professionals (those who had years of professional experience under their belts, greying hairs on their heads, and families to support), who have been working for some big-name international organizations, where similar power-play “politics” is disgustingly going on, under the surface. If someone does great at their role, he or she is assigned the work of 1, 2, or even 3 other (often junior-level) employees to do, and the latter positions are stealthily done away with in order to save the salary money going out to pay them. I mean, if someone works hard, and spends years doing good work, they should eventually be assigned 1 or more assistants, or a small team, in good faith and as appreciation/reward, to help them to do their work.
  Practically, however, often the opposite happens: you are milked until you run dry – burnt out, haggard, and totally done.

Honest, hardworking people, who uphold lofty standards of integrity in every aspect of their lives (personal or professional) are often milked until they are dry.

Overburdened and made to multitask until they are burnt out.

Cornered, manipulated and harassed until they lash out in self-defense to maintain their sanity.

It is revolting.

Conclusion: Modern-Day “Chains” are Psychological

Speaking of being a slave in the world today is purely ironical. There are no physical ‘chains’ that bind people to others anymore, like I said at the start. It is a ‘free’ world, and the only people whose hands are fettered at all, are those serving time in jails and prisons. Or being trafficked.

Nevertheless, today, slavery is still very rampant, and this is on a psychological level. Now, it is the minds of the people that can be controlled easily. Today, why would anyone need to cage and trade human beings in markets, sign ownership documents, or tie them up in fetters, when they can be made to submit, accede, and (mentally) bow down to their figurative ‘masters’ so much more easily?

Using mental power-play tactics such as mind control, brainwashing, gaslighting, passive-aggression, demonization, harassment, and manipulation, anyone can make another human being (or an entire race), mentally become their ‘slaves’.

You don’t need to invade and conquer lands by using your armies or weaponry anymore. All you need is to mentally subjugate an entire nation or race through their media, by availing the opportunities of ‘mind control’ that it enables. This applies even more so to their upcoming, younger generations, who are now on their way to being addicted to YouTube and Google while still inside their cribs and bassinets, long before they are even able to fluently talk!

With the infiltration and rising prevalence of AI (Artificial Intelligence) and robots in the realms of everyday human life, it will soon be only those people who are able to proactively protect and save themselves from mentally becoming the slaves of this pervasive, technological, subjugative onslaught, who will be ‘free’ and ‘unfettered’ in the true sense.

They will successfully be able to control, deter, fight off and overpower the effects of the omnipresent media and its onslaught of (mis)information upon their minds and lives. Not vice versa.

The question is:

Will you be one of them?