بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Had someone told me years ago that I’d one day be educating two hyperactive, adorable little mini-me’s at home, I would have laughed in their faces and called them the most glib prophesiers ever! Stay at home all day with two naughty little elves always up to something? Never!
And here I am, tired and drained as I write this, but wonderfully happy with my decision to homeschool. This wonderful foray into the world of home education, child psychology and parenting techniques began with first my stint as parent.
Utterly clueless except for a burning desire to fulfill my responsibility as a mother, I sincerely prayed to the One who had placed me in this important position by handing me a crying, burping, squealing, pooping and spitting-up bundle of joy, to guide me to raise her right – in a manner that would get me His pleasure and approval.
When that first bundle was merely a few months old, I started hearing well-wishing advice from others urging me to register her as soon as possible in one of the “good schools” in the city – schools that have hefty admission and monthly fees, long admission applicant lists, bureaucratic interview processes, and even longer waiting lists for the ardent hopefuls. I went along where ever the tide took me, never challenging those who insisted, “It is very important for a child’s confidence and personality development to put him or her into a good school at a very early age nowadays, as early as 18 months or 2 years! If you do not do that, your child will not be able to succeed in life, or learn how to be sociable.”
It was not long before I found all these myths and delusions challenged by practical experience and observation. Children as young as 2 do not need to be left in a room full of strangers to develop their confidence. Why does Allah make a child suckle for up to two years? Why does Allah not enable a human baby to walk before the age of 10-11 months at the very least (even though goat kids and other mammals start walking right at birth)? Why is completely potty training a child not possible before the age range of 18 months to 3 years? —> Because children so young need their mother’s unswerving love, attention and physical contact to gain confidence in their budding, initial years of life.
I started reading up a lot about homeschooling, parenting techniques, child psychology and educational models and methodologies online. Whenever I’d face a problem with parenting both my children, I’d go online to try to find a solution for it, e.g. how to handle a tantrum, and from there I’d also try to discover why a child throws one, so that I could avoid the problem in the future.
I must admit, the vast chasm between what I learned during my reading stints and what society, especially its elders, were telling me, led me to become an enormous mass of confusion, pushing me into a constant mental dilemma. I started turning to Allah in earnest supplication (du’aa), asking Him to make me see reality as it is, rather than what people want me to think it is. Also, my husband was not convinced that homeschooling was the way for our children, especially since their naughtiness sometimes drove me up the wall so much that he seriously doubted what my mental state would be if both of them not only stayed at home all day, but also had to be taught by none other than me.
I always find it interesting how people are so convinced of specific outcomes of certain actions. They tell you with conviction, “If you do that, such-and-such thing will happen,” even though evidence to the contrary exists right under their noses. E.g. when I started hijab, countless ladies were convinced that “girls with hijab do not get married”. But then I did get married, alhamdulillah, even before some other girls my age in my extended family who didn’t wear hijab. And no, not to some illiterate maulvi from an unknown village.
The same applies to home education. People will make statements with unflinching conviction, such as, “Your children will become shy and unsociable,” or “Your children will not learn how to give exams or get along with peers” and so on. My daughter studied in school from the age of 2.5 to 5, and despite being around peers her age, she still preferred the company of adults: teachers, school maids, or her parents. One of the consistent “complains” her teacher made to me was:
“You have to make her get along with children her age; she always comes up to my desk and takes an interest in what I am doing, rather than playing with her classmates. This is problematic, and you need to make her hang out more with children of her age group.”
*Cough* This is a “problem“? A child who likes hanging out with adults is a “problem child”? Last I checked, one of the traits of gifted children is that they prefer the company of adults and older children!
When I heard this, I remembered `Ali, Abdullah Bin Abbas, Abdullah Bin `Umar, Usama Bin Zaid (may Allah be pleased with them), and other “children” of their generation who used to regularly hang out with some cool adults as children. How did this adult company affect them? Did it not make them learn skills at an early age, gain foundational knowledge more quickly, and succeed in life after they grew up?
Eventually, I started doing sincere istikharah, attending activities and get-togethers of home educating families in the city, and brainstorming options with my husband. I was convinced that homeschooling was the best way to raise responsible children, but I was not sure if it was the solution for our family. Hence, the mental dilemma continued, until I started my daughter on her school’s summer vacation homework during July this year.
When I actually started practically teaching her, what transpired was nothing less than an epiphany for me. She loved that I was taking time out and teaching her chapters from her books. She did her work quickly and with interest, so much so that we’d finish the reading and question-answer set of one chapter per subject in an hour at the most, whereas her school would make her do the same amount of work in a week – reading out a chapter to 20 children at once in class, making them all answer the questions in their notebooks, and giving the leftover questions as homework to be completed under the parents’ supervision at home.
As it happened, my husband read a couple of homeschooling articles online, without my telling him to do so in an attempt to convince him to homeschool, and by Allah’s decree, he became convinced that homeschooling was the best option for us as well.
And that is how Allah answered my earnest istikharah prayers and ended my constant mental turmoil. It has been three months since we took this decision, and alhamdulillah, we are pleased that we did.
I’d like to point out a few factors here, however, which I think made the decision to homeschool easy and practically workable for our family:
- We do not have a television set or any kind of video games in our residence, but we do have many other resources to keep our children occupied, which means that they spend most of their time reading or engaging in creative work, games, and productive play.
- We live as a nuclear family, where we, as the parents, get to practice total control over our children’s activities and pastimes. This is not always possible in extended families where many others live in close proximity e.g. our children cannot watch any television by going upstairs to their uncle’s home.
- I have given all my time to be with my children, as a constant supervisor. At least one parent’s constant presence around the children is necessary for homeschooling to be possible. I know that all mothers cannot do that, especially those who work, but it is important to remember that a homeschooling parent’s time is not always their own – their children are their constant companions. That becomes, ironically, an effective teaching methodology in itself that benefits the latter: they constantly observe their parents and learn to master adult tasks and responsibilities at young ages. This particular methodology is also endorsed by our Prophet’s (صلى الله عليه وسلم) sunnah. He never restricted his company, talks, sermons or other group activities to people who were adults. Rather, wards such as Anas Bin Malik and even his own wife A’ishah, (may Allah be pleased with them) were placed in his company as minors/children, because of which they acquired knowledge and grew immensely in their own skin. Contrast that to how we tend to treat children under the age of twelve: we want to get them out of the way, make arrangements for them to be occupied in activities revolving around make-believe, fantastical, dream worlds having princesses/princes, castles and unrealistic characters, and thwart their natural curiosity by giving them lame answers far from reality (“No, no, don’t be sad. That kitten did not die, it was just asleep!”).
Will we always be successfully able to homeschool our children? I do not know at this point. We do intend to keep the option of enrolling them into regular school as a valid contingency scenario if and when circumstances change. However, what with the rampant culture of private tuition and education in Pakistan, it’d not be an exaggeration to say that homeschooling is here to stay.
Here are some of the most valuable lessons I have learnt as a parent since I started homeschooling:
- Children are naturally curious and possess an intrinsic love of learning. This love is thwarted by none other than the adults around them, when the latter respond negatively to the incessant questions and interruptions children make.
- Children keenly observe and emulate their parents.
- Children like to learn independently, after minimal guidance from adults.
- Children love to read, especially text accompanied by illustrations.
- Children are enthralled by, and enjoy the company of, animals.
- Children love not just to build things from raw materials, but also to take things apart to see what they are made up of (“You broke this up too?!”)
- Children love to play and experiment with diverse textures such as water, paper, mud, wood, plants, sand and paints.
- Children get hooked on television, cartoons, comic books, musical songs and video games, only because their parents bring these things into the home for them, and plop them down in front of them to keep them occupied and hence, out of their own hair.
- Children forget and keep no grudges, so even if a parent makes a mistake in their sincere effort to teach or train their child, an onlooking adult might remember it and remind the parent of it later, but Allah will make the child forget about it, especially if the parent repents and follows it up with good.
- Children love the Quran. If the Quran is played or recited before them, they catch on to it and automatically memorize it without any difficulties.
- Children who are homeschooled start to get along very well with their parents because both spend time so much together. They help their parents and rush to aid them in their day-to-day tasks.
- Children, if left on their own, can learn a skill or accomplish an adult task long before adults expect them to.
As an illustration of point number 12 above, here is 3 year-old Abdullah fetching his plates himself, despite being reprimanded and repeatedly warned by us adults that he can fall and hurt himself while doing so. (For the record, once he did slip and cut his lip slightly when his chin hit the counter, but ماشاءاللهُ لا قوّة الَّا بالله that didn’t deter him.)
He would initially drag the stool that is kept in the kitchen to the sink, stand atop it, and then get his plate.
Within a few weeks, however, he decided to forego the stool altogether and just haul himself up on the edge of the sink, balance his body there, and fetch the plate!
Over the course of the last 3 months since he has been doing this, I realized that there is no stopping him. So we have given up trying to prevent him from doing this.
Instead, I have changed the way I perceive his behavior. He is not deliberately disobeying me. Rather, I have acknowledged that this kind of initiative, strength of resolve, determination to achieve an objective (without taking others’ help), and risk-taking prowess are all actually very admirable traits, depicting an individual’s strong character and personality.
Instead of preventing him, we as his parents should be encouraging him. Its amazing how changing one’s attitude and thoughts about something makes one see things as they really are, isn’t it? Now, I just tell him to fetch his plate, without worrying. And to Allah belongs all credit, as He is the source of all good.
A homeschooling household transforms into a center of learning for the children, a place where parents are guides and teachers, where the children contribute to the chores and help out their parents in all activities.
In stark contrast, numerous mothers of school-going children “dread” the onset of summer or winter break/vacation because all their children will be at home for three months. The children, on the other hand, treat vacation as “freedom” from books and boring schoolwork. Their home turns into a hotel-cum-entertainment center, where they sleep in till noon and spend the rest of the day wasting time in mostly unproductive activities, expecting Mum to turn into a chef catering to their whims and desires.
Education and traditional means of gaining knowledge are changing drastically as the years go by. An example of this is the Khan Academy, an online tuition centre or teaching program that is a one man show. An MIT and Harvard postgraduate gave up his lucrative full-time career to do what he loves: making online videos teaching math to youth. None other than Bill Gates has acknowledged the benefit of this academy, that was started and is still run from a closet inside the tutor’s residence.
Isn’t it quite ironic that we formally educate and train our children to attend the best institutions throughout their youth and then instruct them to go work for companies that are headed by college and school drop-outs who left “school” in order to pursue their natural interests and dreams, and consequently became financially successful? Isn’t it ironic that these drop-outs are today called in by these institutions to give graduation addresses and speeches?
However, what I am advocating here is not for everyone to drop their formal schooling, or to not pursue a job after they graduate if they want to. What I want everyone reading this post to realize, is that success does not lie in what the world wants us to do, or in what other people think we should do, but rather, in doing what we love, as long as the latter is not against the pleasure of our Creator. And this is the message that our children should be receiving from us, their parents, especially at ages less then 10, when they look up to their parents for every answer and for guidance in every matter.
If you are not courageous enough to stand up to people for what you believe is the right choice for you or your children, how can you expect to succeed in life by always unquestioningly following the majority, or riding the wave so to speak, doing what everyone else is doing or telling you to do?